domingo, 21 de novembro de 2010

(un)happy birthday

Yesterday it was my 21th birthday!
I hate my birthday since I'm a teengaer, usually I get depressed and feel blue for a thousand reasons one of them is that it doesn't matter the years of your life but the life of the years you live, in my case I think I didn't live too many years and the years I live had almost no life. I tried to change and I did it, although everyone who is surrounding me they're just not able and motivated to change they live a boring life, tied to emotions I really think they are scared of living!
It's quite sad but although I have a great number of people who say they care about me and they say they are my friends the fact is that they really aren't at the friendship level...although I did simple things that have importance and they considered enough to call me friend. I could have been their friend but unfortunatelly few or almost no one did that simple things for me that would make the fact it's the 2nd time I try to have a decent birthday party and no one is up to it. This year I made some invitations people not even answer me so I quit...I know I'm alone the only thing I have to say is that I regret all the time I spent with them, and in the most important days of their life starting from now on I'll never ever be there (because I was there for them but no one was ther for me).
It's so frustrating when you have no one that really cares for you and wants to spend this important day with you...not even family.
So what did I do?
I almost thought staying at home crying and regret my existence and ask myself: "why do hell I live? Nobody likes me!"...but I decided not to do that because after all this is my day, and if nobody cares I do!
So I did the most weird thing I ever could do alone, I not even know how I had the courage and the free will to do that but I went for a stroll in the mountain range of Sintra (a small city 40 minutes by train from Lisbon, Portugal), and I visited a stunning place there: the palace of Pena and its gardens (you can see it in the picture above that I took from a mountain ridge).
I really needed to see something beautiful in the world so I could relieve my soul and my heart from all the pain of being lonely.
As I walked alone through the forest darkened by the treetops all I could hear was my steps and the wind whispering...for a few hours it was all my world was made of: the nature and the magical view I could appreciate. For a few hours there were no problems, there were no people, there were no judgements it was just me and the nature celebrating the fact I'm alive and it felt good.
The biggest lesson I learnt yesterday is that you can't stop doing the things you like just because you have no one up to do that with you, and so it's better you forget that persons, the point is: just don't make the presence or absence of the others in your life a preponderant issue for your happiness.
Just free yourself from the prision of the emotions and overcome the unhappines.
If you ever spent your birthday alone just don't even think you should never celebrate it because there's no one who really seems to like you...the only person you can count with is yourself.

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