segunda-feira, 8 de agosto de 2011

death or change

Today was a stupid silly day, I never was so angry, depressed and cried for being angry for such a long time, the problem is I really don't know why I'm feeling like this but for more tears that I cry I never feel suficiently calmed. I really don't know what to do to calm me down!
I think it's just tiredness of living the same old shit everyday, all the years the same! nothing really changes even when I can mislead myself that it will change and then have to deal with the frustrations of haven't made my plans come true. It seems it doesn't matter for how long I try because everything I fear come true. About my wishes if they come true it's never like I dreamt it would be like.
I'm tired too of everyone I feel so upset today that I have a slightly feeling of want to throw up, it's clearly I'm disgusted with something. And I think it's my life and everything that made and still making part of it.
Honestly I don't know why I even care about wake up, get up, have bath, eat, or even talk to other people, or even write this shits here because I've no one who I can talk to without being criticized an feel even worse about myself.
I look everywhere I look at everyone and I feel so different, so excluded, so alone! And when I'm not alone I always meet stupid people that make my life a even more living hell.
Once I read a book in where it was told that 99% of our problems were caused by my case I really don't agree, everything I hate in my life it happened because people are constantly doing things to me that I hate, trying to put me down and hurt me.
It's hard to live together, reason number one I don't like to hang out with my family, they just make me feel worse and also some called "friends" do the same. When I'll grow up I will never have a family.
I know when I'm not alone I feel better and that's the most peaceful moments I have.
I wish time to speed up, move faster, I wish all this I'm living to be over and be totally alone in a house with no  neighborhood, a place just mine where I can trully rest my mind. I wouldn't mind if I wouldn't live the next 5 years because I doubt seriously to live the way I want.And once I reach the way I want to live i'll feel sorry for everything I didn't lived the way it should be lived...but nothing changes!
All I've been living it's something necessary to reach my objective but I'm so fed up that I really don't have patience to wait. Sometimes I just wish my life to be over than living this way, in this place, with this people.
I feel so misunderstood even from myself.
I really don't know why I'm so stressed maybe it's because I'm tired of this life but for more than I can change I can't change people around and that annoys me.
Why has the world to be such an awful and boring place?

Honestly I really don't know why I even feel

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