segunda-feira, 23 de janeiro de 2012
a failure on my behalf
It's hard to me to understand and accept but my life is a complete mess: I never get anything, or almost anything, that I want to achieve, and that's small things like do some subjects at college since I spend most part of my time studying...doesn't matter it can be a 10 (from 0 to 20 scale) I just want to end this damn stupid degree I'm in and get out of that freak damn college! Really I'm tired of that all!
It's my 5th year there and all I feel is that I've just being wasted my time: some of my closest coleagues quit college and then didn't care about me anymore, like they not even answer when I talk to them through facebook chats or mesenger or even answer my e-mails...nevertheless I got their "Happy Birthday", and "Merry Christmas" text messages...How strange that people are! So they're gone, but not totally although they remind me twice a year they don't invite me out...so do I, I'm tired of following that persons and care about who don't care about me at all...I'm through with this and terrible disappointed: okay it's true I don't need that persons 'cause I don't need anyone who despise me but I lost a lot of time with them and they made me believe we were friends...but there's those who didn't quit college but didn't care about me anymore simply because I decided to stop bothering them all the time making them notice I'm alive...the moved on and got some other persons, I just got so disenchanted that I never was able to trust anyone again.
I read several positive books about the power of being positive like the secret book, the power, the exotropic mind and read a lot about the attraction law...it's hard to believe that crap but somethings made some sense. Anyway I think that African children that starve to death are not in that situation because they don't think all the time in food and so they could attract food right? And the fact 1% of people have much more fortune than the 99% isn't not because they people attract money with their thoughts as it's told in the book...it's just unfairness.
Anyway thinking of your problems over and over again all that can do is make them seem much more complictaed and important than they actually are.
So my simplest wishes don't come true and I don't know what it's like being succeed in life for a long time...although I still can't deal well with my failure.
I'm not a jealous person, I think envy is the most destructive feeling of them all, I'm never happy with other's failure but neither I am happy with their success, in the books like secret it's told that we should feel as happy as other people to atract their success to us, and envy will let success go away.
I look at most part of people I know and damn they're doing well, they're moving on on the degree and I'm not...this doesn't make me feel jealous about them, my common feeling is just to be sad of things go so wrong with me 'cause I do all I can do to move on but things don't go that fine.
I never admitted before but one of the most powerful reasons to close myself and to like being alone is the fact I feel worse when successful people surround me.
I just don't feel like having lunch with people that all can talk about is that stupid damn degree, that they're almost finishing the degree and ask me mine miserable classifications.
I never was a bad student, before I got in college I was great, but before passing all my life reading science magazines and watching documentaries I got in a Science College in an engeneering degree that is not that kind of science and where I feel like I'm not learning anything...that's frustrating. Besides the teachers do a lot of stupid evaluation criteria...
So I'm the anti-social college girl 'cause I don't identify myself with anyone, I think everybody's conversations are boring and stupid and because they make me feel worse about myself and my college performance. Also I'm so sick about college that now I insist not to hang out with them out of college.
Oh I just wish college to be over and then immigrate somewhere far and north like in Scandinavia and start all over again since here in Portugal I never was happy and it's more likely I never got a job here...I know I won't be happy elsewhere just because I moved to a different place but changing the scenario of my life might bring different things...and the fact I feel so miserable here, doesn't imply it's this place fault, but that will make me have more courage to move out and never miss my life here.
I thought I could make it all this year but I already failed one subject, I mean teacher don't even allows me to go to exam...my will is just quit all this shity life here and just go, go now 'cause by now things are so messed up that I cry in exams and while I study: why in the exam only appears stuff we almost didn't talk about?
I'm tired of trying, failing, repeating, failing and start all over again...I'm on the edge and I just want to put an end to this...I never felt so frustrating in my whole life like I'm feeling now in college.