segunda-feira, 6 de fevereiro de 2012
I don't know why anything in my life goes the way it should be, specially when I think that I do all I can do to reach my goals that isn't that difficult to reach...I'm tired of failing in exams and seeing that stupid diploma of my degree even more far to get, there are those subjects I really don't know what to study more and how to study them, 'cause I tried all the different methods. It doesn't even matter if I studied enough or if I'm optimistic...even those exams I really hope to pass and believe I passed turns out I didn't...today I found out another subject I failed again, and I really studied hard for that one...I have those subject for several years. I'm really disappointed with myself and the way my life is going. Nothing is doing right! NOTHING! I thought it was enough pain to lose all my friends last year...I don't know if I can bare another lousy semestre...I'm losing grips and I can't find any more motivation to keep going on with this and dealing with my usual frustration...I just want this to be over and I'm not making any progress.
I'm so disenchated with everything, after all my degree isn't interesting as it shoul be, the name of subjects are interesting but not what they teach us, and even less what appears in exams...teachers are not there to help, and even less the colleagues...I feel so alone and lost right now. The worst thing is when I get home and my parents get mad about me about my school lame performance and say that I'm just playing around making waste their money when I do anything more than study, go to classes, spend all days in libraries without even talk to anyone...even because I have no friends anymore...where do I waste my time? I have no kind of social life and I only spend two mornings for week at gym and swiming pool (this when I get the time and I'm not doing this for a while).
It seems that it doesn't matter how hard I try or if I believe in myself or not, I must have the failure sign printed in my soul...I wish I had luck with this just for once 'cause I'm tired of falling to rise up again...to fall again...I just wish I never went to that college, all I feel is that I'm wasting my time and not learning anything: all those hours I spent studying for nothing, all those lousy books I read for nothing, all those books I bought and were hopeless in the subjects, all those useless social connections I made for nothing...all those time wasted, I just want the final stupid diploma...it was all wasted time I'm almost done I can't give up now, it would be even more wasted time...it would be a painful defeat and I doubt if I could do anything more in life than consume myself in self pitty and eternal frustration.
My rage against college is so big that I avoid everyone from there, I decided I don't want friends from there even because most part of all that people is doing well easily and I'm in this lousy situation...sticking around them makes me feel even worse about myself...even because they don't spare me to be all the time asking about my lousy situation...does this makes them feel better? I'm about believing it does!
I'm done with this, no matter who I don't want to hang with college people anymore even if it means being alone all the time.
All I can think is that college to me was a waste of time, hope, money and feelings I just wish to put an end to all this...ten more subjects to go...but it's not going!
Tomorrow I'll have a meeting with lecturers to see my exam...if things stay this way I'll probably just cry in front of them I don't even know if I have courage to go there and ask their questions...
I was going to study to next exam (which will be repeated because professor only put the exams from the 1st season on the day of the exam of the 2nd season and people decided to reclaim)..but then I saw another failure and for 3 hours I've done anything less than whimper for my lousy performance...and it's not just at college, it's a social failure, a personal failure...a whole lot of failures.
I wish I could go back in time, I would never went to that college...or I would have quit in the first year...I wish I could erase all those previous 5 years.
I'm sick of making a fool of myself believing life can get better when it's getting worse all the time and I'm having serious issues about how to deal with such failure.
I don't know what's like to accomplish any goal for a long long time...and I never felt so miserable, I always did great at school before I got in that college I can't recognise myself!
Sick of this life, sick of pretending I'm fine when I'm not, sick people think that I have to justify mysel in front of them for crying, for seem depressed or sad...'cause it's all I am...not a damn simple thing goes right!!! NOTHING! The frustrating part is that I don't know what more should I do...I'm feeling destroyed inside and sick of everyone around...neverthless I feel this stupid need of unburden.