"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all the entanglements. Lock it up safe, dark in the casket or coffin of your selfishness but in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, air less-it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable...irredeemable.
Because to love at all is to be vulnerable -C.S Lewis"
I am young, but since early age I've made up my mind: I don't want t love and I don't want to be loved, something as simple as this.
I know what fall in love feels like, the 1st and last time I felt something like that was when I was 16, and it took me 2 years to get that person out of my mind, I didn't tell him anything, in fact, I was invisible for him, I just wanted that stupid and awkward feeling to go away....it took some time but it was gone for good and I'm very thankful for that! Until now, I still blaming my stupid teenager hormones, and I guess I am right, it's a natural emotion you develop when you're young, it's a biological response appealing for a very primitive instict of all species: reproduction. Our bodies evoluted from primitive monkeys and since we were what you can call primitive humans our lifetime was very limited, average person died in early 20's (actually even during the Middle Age in London, the lifetime average age was 23), so we had a really short life expectation, our life was all about to complete the circle of life like all animals do: be born, reproduce, die, so the earlier we reproduced the better for the specie that could survive and continue their existence...so it's very very normal this kind of things happen, specially when you are a teenager, now I can see it was a normal thing and it's a healthy sign that even the darkest souls can be human, so I was relieved about that. It's what you all call, my sweet sixteen, welll, my bittersweet sixteen in my case.
Of course then there were little crushes, but nothing even close to love! Thankfully!
Well, but I learnt from that and knew I didn't want to feel that again, and I really must admit, so far so good! I've been avoiding all the possible entanglements I could have had and don't really feel the need or the will to get one even because most people simply don't excite me that much with their existence.
I know this is a bit gloomy and dark, dare say, but well it's how I feel.
But when it comes to friends who disappoint me...well then I get really really depressed, but move on and try to forgive and forget or in some extreme cases just forget that person and become stronger.
What I want to say is, it's just that I always felt like it was better to be wild and free, and I like that, to be free you can't have no space for emotions and deep feelings...they're prisons, also, I think it's stupid you just give to other person the power to give or take the happiness from you, I think we should always try to feel better with ourselves and never try to find acceptance and love from others. Am I selfish? maybe...but well I think it's better off this way.
For instance, I don't want to form a family of my own, never have kids, never marry, never live with someonee....I just think it's more appealing I can have time for me with no one to suck the life out of me, and most important: the freedom! I want to travel de world, several times, alone, not a problem, I need freedom to do so,so I can't have a mortgage, a husband and kids on my back, I need to feel free not trapped in a stupid boring normal life full of messed up feelings and moral and social obligations, not having no one telling me what to do or not to do, who can I talk to or who I can't, no one o own me, no one to own!It's a decision I made, I just want to live my life lonely and free and out of love, close my heart with a key and throw it away because love is a dangerous game to play, hearts are made for breaking and for pain, and I don't want to play that game, happiness is an inside job, it's not something you can't rely someone else will give to you.
And that's why I' never gave love a chance, please never come again I'll find another way to put you aside!