quarta-feira, 26 de novembro de 2014

If this is living...

The reason I am writing this post is because I think I should pay tribute to someone very special that just passed away in the last rainy Sunday.
I hope my writting may relieve me from all this effervescent feelings of pain, sadness and mostly revolt and incomprehension.
A cousin of mine, with 19 years old died of cancer, his name was Rafael and he was one of the most pure, kind and inocent persons that ever lived in this unfair world.
We were not close but to know he died so young and he suffered so much makes me cry rivers of tears. I am not used to go to funerals, and my last one was of my grandfather that died old, with 78 years old, so going to a funeral of a 19th year old kid is someting extremelly sad and unreasonable.
I am skeptical about everything: life after, death, gods, God, souls, ghosts...but if there was something I used to believe it was in karma: you get from life what you deserve, you get what you give...but not in the case of this little boy, he didn't deserve anything of he went through.
Which can only make me believe that the world is far from fair...the only thing that keeps me connected to life is sadness and pain, the rest is just of mist of numbness and incomprehension...and I am no one to talk about pain compared to that litle boy!
Some people say that we have to learn with him is that life is short, so let's make the most of it while we are healthy and alive, we should have fun and seek happiness...but I don't learnt that from this kid's life and death...my opinion about life won't change: it is an absurd, a painful one, makes no sense to begin, makes no sense to end, you don't ask to be born, you don't ask to die, all is forgotten, it is like it never hapened, all that you were ends, all of your memories gone... and that is something you realize when you go to a 19th year old boy funeral and see people cheat chatting....positive sayings never seemed so vain and sick to me "life goes on", well your goes, his doesn't. So it doesn't really matter! I just don't see their point.
Because I am a bit depressive people tend to say that maybe I should be gone instead of all those people that die and want to live, but they miss the whole point of my feelings, it's not that I want to die, it's just that I really wish I was never born, because being conscious gives me sadness, and I am terrified about living and dying, and getting old, and stop existing, and saying goodbye to my loved ones when they will die and the fact that I know everything will go on without me...I don't know, life makes me feel unconfortable because I see no point in all this shit, and I don't have any plans of making anything great or big because I am afraid I'll put too much effort in something and waste time when I can die anytime anywhere for no reason: no one controls their bodies, their fate, other's fate, neither our minds! We are slaves of our minds, and don't bullshit me with meditation, it takes hours to empty your head and then feel happy...you're happy and in peace because there is nothing inside your brain...and that is why dumb and ignorant people are the happiest...well I don't want to be like that, in fact I  find happy people more shallow, incapable of deep conversations, thoughts and even feelings. But as Hemingway used to say "happiness in happy people are the rarest thing I know". I don't want to be an ignorant person, not so happy people write the best songs and books, what do happy people do and write? NOTHING! Even because they are so ignorant and uninterested that they don't even read. They build that little castle of fantasie and surround themselves with pretty lies and call me a toxic person for shaking up their lies up: "talking to you is depressive go away!", it happens when my happy side wears off and I don't make them laugh anymore...sorry for not being your LSD all the time! Go find some other jerk to produce serotinine in your brain!
Let's just face it: unhappiness makes part of life, and there is no need to take pills of anti-depressives everytime reality punches you in the face, or watch stupid comedies or hear stupid music, nice to hear but say anything about anything. Besides if you never feel sorrow how are you supposed to feel joy? You cannot feel one thing without the other!

Most part of the time I even feel guilty and shame of being happy, specially when I am not doing anything to help people who can't feel a 0.1% of the happiness I have and I don't feel like a  selfish bastard grateful for it, most part of the time I feel like feeling this good is criminal. And other thing, I learnt, specially from this boy that it doesn't matter how much you love life and fight for it, because that bitch may not love you back and just leave you.
So if all you learnt from this was: life is short, let's make the most of it an have fun, I don't blame you but I just think it is way to shallow and meaningless...notice how people use other's misfortune to feel good about themselves...oh this happened to that person I have to be grateful for not being like them! Self impsoing to be happy just because someone is less happy makes no sense to me I can't see the point of it, it is just like you can't be happy because there is someone happier than you!
Other thing is the endless and selfish search for the utopia of complete and absolute happiness: it doesn't exist! Stop searching for that! You can only feel happy if you taste sorrow, and all passes and takes turns...but it is so crazy how people have that idea of the selfish pursuit of happiness: I want to be happy, I, I, I, I, I, me, me, me, me...you say you have to be happy all the time because life is short and soon you will be dead, I say it doesn't really matter if you are happy or unhappy 'cause both will disappear forever and it will be like it was nothing. I like feeling ok, but I don't force myself into it, I think not feeling ok in such a mad world is actually very natural, and this imposed dictatorship of happiness makes me sick. I think leaving something or someone you didn't like and therefore were attached to are easier than when you attach and love something or someone that much...so maybe not liking life makes easier to lose it...I don't know.
Back to my cousin, if life was fair, he would have a different life and right now he would be ok at home.
I saw him on this last day of life, doped in morphine, taking deep breathes, there he was beatrayed by his own biology, betrayed by his own body wanting to live and be ok and not being able, only he must know the anguish and torment it was...wanting to live desperately while his body was dying! 
I see you at night in my mind, that picture of you is the closest to an angel if angels are real, you were a pure heart, smiling boy, always happy I wish you had a better life and still alive.
 I can't believe you don't exist anymore, I can't believe this happened to you...your place is not in a dark, silent, lifeless graveyard sealed in a coffin surrounded by corpses of strangers...your place should be sleeping at your home, in your warm bed, watching cartoons with your cat, sister and mum...I can't believe you're gone! 
I am so affected by your cruel and early death that I dreamt about you last night, you know after we left the graveyard I had the strange feeling someone was missing there, so in my dreams while we were saying goodbye to each other, I saw someone opening the tombstone and getting out, running to us with a smile and saying: "Why did you leave me here? I wanna go home, don't leave me here all alone!". 
"I'll see you in my dreams, I'll see you in the sky, I'll meet you anytime, night or day, we'll meet under the stars,we'll walk unfraid, I'll hold you in my arms, I'll listen to your words, lie under your heart, I'll see you in my dreams, in my dreams, I'll wait, all awake."

There is another world, there is a better world, well it must be...

So long Rafa!

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