sexta-feira, 1 de janeiro de 2016

About today

It's a brand new year and yet I am feeling down and depressed, crying rivers of tears and still I cannot soothe my pain, it's an old one, I just should have been used to it already, but still I am here writting this nonesenses to the whole internet and world to know how pathetic I am for feeling sorry for myself, I wish the person I dedicate this could read but I am afraid that won't happen.
I guess 2015 was a good year for me, I really liked it. So thinking it is over now makes me feel depressed, maybe I think that nothing better than last year will turn to be real, or I think about all the persons I lost in 2015 and other years and the persons I am about to lose in the coming years, or the older I am getting, or my stressful exams coming up, or maybe all the good things I wished for in the beggining of 2015 and some really came true make me as well feeel depressed because all those good times are now just memories, nothing more than memories, people say you have to hope for the future but I am so sick of it because I know when I get to the future all will be past again and all will be blurred memories. Deep down, I did not want to leave 2015 at all. But one thought was constant all,you,you, only thoughts of you J.
At the end of 2014 I found by chance one of the few persons that I looked at as magic, I even believed when you said how lucky you felt to meet me. So, I started 2015 with that person, and ever since that day I've been obcessed and obstinate with this person, it has been more than an year and my mind keeps torturing me with thoughts os this person, it gives me no peace of mind, I can't speak about this person without crying and all my thoughts of this person leads to crying as well. It's been more than an year like this, running after someone who runs away from me, wishing I could get a real chance, just one more day with that person, just one last conversation, just trying to convince that person to look at me the same way as I look at you or at least let me be around so my mood can be lightened up by your existence. and so it goes, endlessly. I've cried more for this heartbreak than when people from family died, and I feel ashamed for it, but maybe that's because when someone dies, you have to accept that it's over and my situation right now is I really don't know if it's over, and I think I don't want it to be, that is why I kept trying, and trying and trying until I had no dignity or pride, but the door is always closed, as usual, I keep knocking, silly me.
So that person did not want to start 2016 with me, I tried to pretend I was fine and go out and drink and all but all my thoughts and talks lead to that person, it's exhausting, I had people around with me, and I felt frustrated for none of them being the one I wanted to be with, some people approached me, were nice to me and tried to talk to me, but I felt even worse and more frustrated, thinking of the last New Years Eve when that person was with me, now I was walking the same very streets and all I saw in my head were glimpses from last were not there now, then just picturing in my mind where would you be, doing what, with who, I was searching in every stranger's face for you and it was very disappointing...basically, could not enjoy the night. because of happy memories from last year.
Isn't it ironic and stupid to feel depressed for having been so happy? That's totally my mood now and I don't know what it's worse, if have nothing real good to rememeber or having real good memories to rememeber and feel this nostalgic and melancholic.
I felt genuinelly jealous of all those persons holding hands and hugging and kissing, but for more opportunities I might have had to have that on that night I sabotaged them all, I just don't want someone, I want that one, J is the only one I can stand, the only one I don't loathe, the only one I am ok that touches me, so many times I tried to give opportunities to meet other persons but nothing evolved, it's tiring and dishonest for me and the other persons looking at them and being disappointed for them not being who I wanted them to be, and this also happens with friends, so many times I am with friends and wish I could trade them all for J.
Before I delete your number and other ways of contact so many times I felt disappointed when I was so excited to see who text messaged me and it wasn't you....never happened to me before, being continuosuly disappointed for that not being your messages, those people's faces not being yours...and this is just painfully wrong.
I guess I just have myself to blame, you made it clear and moved ahead, no more fake promises, it's me that stills chasing the ghost of you even tough you are gone from my life, this makes me hate myself and I have never been this weak and blind I am afraid.
You know when I am sad or happy or bored I think about you, how many times I have revisited the way we met and the times we were together, every place I am, when I am down "I wish you were", when I am happy "I wish you were here", when I am travelling "I wish you were here", you are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep,, and even during my sleep sometimes you're there too. I have imagined tons of situations that we are together, just daydreaming in my mind, and sometimes it gets confused because I not even know what memories are real or fake, imagined or experienced. Secretly, I just don't want to get over you or substitute you, I am always running after something impossible and that rejects me, while as a revenge I keep putting everyone aside and rejecting everyone, I'll tell you a secret, I do it mercilless, and never feel bad about it, actually it gives me the ilusion I am strong and don't need anyone, I keep refusing giving chances to other persons...the same chances I craved to you, and so it's life.
I still don't know how or why I liked you and still like you, I hope this ends someday because it's driving me mad, you appear in my day dreams and also at my dreams at night, and you have no idea how it feels like.
Maybe this is all a karma for joking with the weak people that fall in love, I used to make fun of them, but now I see there is no fun in this for as much stupid as a situation can is ridiculous I always knew I just wasn't expecting to get this depressed and sad because you are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart. It's a new level of mixed feelings I have never experienced, I know I have to let you go, you are gone already, but I just don't want to.
A nice smiling boy approaches me because I was alone waiting to get home and says I look so sad and it's New Year's day! I say, the night was boring, one of the worst new Year's eve of my life and I should not get out of home (altough I know if I did I would be crying all day), he says "not that bad, I wouldn't meet you!", cheesy line or true statement I don't know...maybe this could be the start of something new, a sign from the Universe to move on? I say I have a boyfriend, his name is J. As the stranger walks away I keep only if...u were J.
My wish for 2015 was to be with you, I was forced to ask to forget you in 2016. I just don't know how.
"J. I am in trouble can't get these thoughts out of me
It takes a lot of pain to pick me up, it takes a lot of rain in the cup
Baby you gave me bad ideas, baby you left me sad and high"
Will I ever be able to say goodbye to you, J?

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