sábado, 13 de fevereiro de 2016

another brick in the wall

I hate this feeling, I thought this year would finally be my last at school but I got no results in the exams...and honestly I really studied and filled up my mind with all that nonesense shit I have to know jut to regurgitate in a fucking exam. I will ask to see my exams again because I really felt I passed when I did it, hopefully teachers were wrong or maybe just son of bitches "correcting" their super formated tests...so if something is a bit different from their own solution maybe the batards just mark all wrong...I feel like if they could give me negative grades they would...and this feeling of all my work, brain cells, time and money used for nothing makes me feel worthless, like I am so fucking dumb I not even can think, like I am a fucking idiot that cannot finnaly end this fucking education program, wasting my life and money. If one thing college taught me was how to try to deal with frustrating, not even not for passing, but from sometimes understanding shit what they are talking about, I feel like all I ever studied was so meaningless I cannot even apply anything in real life, I feel like I can't do anything from that wasted years.
So I keep fighting and trying to be persistent to my biggest goal in life (isn't it depressive?): finish MY MENTAL PROGRAMMING (aka College), just to be free from all those fucking tests, all those fucking teachers, all those fucking colleagues, all that fucking stress, all that fucking failure and be free from it, not asking for more.

But today I saw this video and I must tell you, I agree, school teaches you shit, prepares you zero percent for your real life and NEVER EVER make you think by yourself, teachers just vomit a bunch of concepts and exercices, try to screw you up at exams but not even them know why the fuck what they teach is the way it is, you get ZERO critical ability to think by yourself, is like all the world is already known and studied and you just "learn" from that concepts, repeating the exercises for countless times until it all gets mechanical in your head, go to an exam and try to vomit all that in order just to forget it again and never use it. I am very disappointed with myself, my teachers, but also the educational system, why instead of  thinking I am actually learning something I just feel mentally opressed and stressed out? why do my teachers are this arrogant beasts I cannot even look in their eyes? why are my colleagues this fucking competitive we can't be friends because they make the environment awful?
Question to think, as for now, I am just really upset that I tried so hard for nothing, and have to get extra motivation to do it all over again and believe in myself again when all this tests did was to break me down and question my mental sanity and ability to think...it will be a long way but I am fucking end this shit, no matter how long it will take, because I never give up!

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