segunda-feira, 10 de outubro de 2016

Good grief

Since you went away without even saying goodbye, almost an year ago, long time no see, no talk, no nothing, I must tell you, if by any means you actually could and would read and/or know this, I've manage to live as if I have never met you, but I can't, you still the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last when I fall asleep, the one I day dream all day, it's like you became my favourite worst nightmare, awake or asleep, anywhere I go or anywhere I am, with whoever I am with, I can't help feeling I wish you were there, and you were one of this persons, I remember all the places we have been and it makes me feel depressed when I pass by them, I also think about all those places you have been, reminiscing in a past that keeps going backwards, like looking for the presence of your ghost lingering around. I have this feelings but you never mind that, because you never cared and never wanted to, and now even if you wanted to, you won't because it is not even possible. So all this things I live and feelings I have keep adding up, and up, and up, and it will lead nowhere, because you gave me no other choice than to mourn you while we both are still alive, still I know, you are alive, somewhere out there in the world, and honestly this thought make me feel confortable because your existence made the world a less awful place, you still my favourite thing in the Universe.
So many times I think, what would you be doing now, how are you, even wonder if I ever cross your mind. But I know this questions will remain unanswered, still I can't consume my mind and energy as much as I do with thoughts of you, imagining all the possible lives we could have lived or will live somehow in the future, because after almost 2 years I can't escape the ghost of you, I can't let you go.
All my friends think I am healed, when I say I don't feel anything for you and it's like you never existed in my life, that you, as they warned me about, were not worth caring or chasing or to drown myself in so much pain thinking about all the ifs and if nots.
So I tried to move on with life and give somebody else a chance to see in me, what you never did, some seemed interested but I kept them away, I knew that was not what I was looking for...and now I think I found someone who actually enjoyes spending time with me, go out with me, has initiative to talk to me and is trying to be the person you never were...and you know what I feel about this? I feel sad and depressed for being with that person, because when I open my eyes I don't see you, because it's not you. Sometimes I even feel disgusted with myself, but truth is after you I never felt anything for anyone, I am emotionally numb and trying to find you in other persons...but I know I will never find you, because you are nowhere else any near to be found, and once you feel the fire you don't care about little sparks. So I come home, daydream about you again, and sleep with the clothes you left behind (it makes me feel you presence somehow lingers here) and cry myself to sleep, because I still can't escape the ghost of you, because I can't get rid of this thoughts, and this feelings, and this memories.
I dreamt about you 25 years before I met you, and you were even better than in my dreams, they say love is just around the corner and it was just as impredictable as that that I found you, it is a clichet to say but it was love at first sight and I felt we have met before since ever, like you were meant to be there at that time and place, like a cosmic conspiracie alignment. And if meeting you was my best blessing ever, loving you was, is, and afraid will be my endless curse.
I am sure you were the YOU I have always longing to meet in the past, the one I was afraid and also excited to meet, the one I wanted to avoid and couldn't,the one I wished for, the one I was trying to find,  but I can't explain to you or anyone what it feels like, and even if I could you wouldn't understand, because you never felt the same way, you can never read my emotions and know the depths of my sorrow, and what I hate even more is that you are not even responsible to any of this, you can never blame someone for don't love you back, but it is sad indeed loving someone like that being was magic, and be treated as ordinary. Loving you is, was and will be an impossible quest to come true, but I never felt and meant anything more genuine for anything or anyone, this has a bit of lunacy and self destruction in it and maybe that's why I keep holding on to it, like I inflict this pain on myself because I hate me, and hate me even more for you not to to love me, or for me not being able to get rid of this prison of emotions that is trapping my soul.
I hate that I love you.

"Now all my thoughts and all my feelings are all mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing

When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on"

You're like a good grief, and still, I can't escape the ghost of you.

Feelings that everyone’s livin,’
To a different kinda wall.
I feel nano sense skipping,
Tangled up in my own thoughts.
Why must these ‘specials’, have feelings,
Why must I live in inside.
I wrestle with my raging ailing,
Lately, I have lost my fire.

All I ever wanted is you...

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