domingo, 21 de maio de 2017

all this waiting is regret

Lately I have been an emotional wreck, I cry and I don't even know why I am crying at all: I cry about all the memories I have, all that I lived, all that I dreamed, all that I felt. And with no surprise, your ghost keeps haunting me everytime. I have been experiencing so many feelings at the same time I don't even know what I am actually feeling, but it is overwhelming...I feel sadness and happiness, meaning in things and total lack of meaning and importance in everything, I feel love and hate at the same time, I laugh and cry at the same time, I am calm and anxious at the same time, I feel hope and hopeless all the same, I feel compassion and evilness at the same time, I feel gratefulness and  ungratefulness at the same time, but mostly, I feel like I am missing so many people that no longer make part of my life, and at the same time remembering them, makes me feel they still around, like I can time travel, daydreaming, living it all over and over again...I feel like I love and hate everyone at the same time. This is a new feelng that I don't even know what the fuck this feeling is, all I know is this is all too much for me to deal with, and it all is transformed in tears, that never stop, day by day,,,I am surprised how and why this keeps going, and going, and going, and going. Will it ever stop for good?
I am concerned for my own mental and emotional sanity, because when people ask me why I am crying or why do I look sad, I not even know why, so I laugh and laugh and smile and smile without meaning just for to be left alone, just to mask my own self, because people can't deal with you when you hit the low.
Only music seems to understand what I am going through, and  all songs remind me of you, and simply thinking of you, makes me cry even more. Seems like this heavy heart won't go away, but probably I am  only crying because I pitty myself...I make myself cry literally because I feel sorry for myself.
Waiting for persons from the past appear back in the future is nearly impossible and will only bring regret and wasted years,,,years pass by, and everyone leaves...and when they leave, it feels like death.But I keep reminding them, mourning them and crying over them.

Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
You can't live like this

You have lost
(Too much love)
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It's not enough)
You just threw away the key
To your heart

You don't get burned
('Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see…

Love ain't fair
So there you are
My love

Love ain't safe
You won't get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don't wanna waste my love

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