one year more, one year less

this year, this time

I've learnt a lot this year, I've learnt tat things don't always turn out the way I planned or I wished for, or the way I think they should. I've leant that there are things that will go wrong no matter how hard I try to fix them or put it back together the way they were before, I've learnt that broken stay broken and the best way to heal yourself is try to forget about it. So this year for me I want it to be the year I can finally emotionally dettach from everybody that belongs to my past and forget who forgot me

merry xmas

simply because this is one of the most brutal videos,like, ever!
Wars can be over, if we want to!
May the next year be the year people stop believing in government's false propaganda to start wars!

Happy b'day Jesus

God Horus was born in 3000 BC, egyptian God of the Sun, the Earth, and the moon, born from the goddess Isis without any sexual involvement, his birthday is celebrated at 25th December, eastern star led three wise men to him when he was born, he was taken to Egypt to escape the wrath of Typhon, resuscitated one guy named El-AZAR-US, one of this God titles is "Krst" or "Karast", he fighted during 40 days in the desert against the temptations of Set (evil divinity compared to Satan), he was baptized in water by Anup the baptizer at the age of 30, he performed miracles and walked on water, he had 12 disciples, the representation of this God is a cross, the trinity is Atom (father), Horus (son) and Ra (compared to the Holly Spirit), he was crucified, buried in a tomb and resurrected, Jesus Christ is plagiarism of this pagan God and other pagan Gods. The 24th/25th of December is the pagan celebration of the winter solstice. Happy birthday Horus, I mean Jesus!

Merry Christmas

Because nothing says I love you like cheap crap made in China by slave labor, sold by a company, owned by billionaires benefiting by corporate welfare, paying slave wages to employees. Three cheers for this very pagan/christian, capitalist event of the year, watch out the diabetes, merry christmas everyone! :):):)

secret meeting

I had a secret meeting with you in the basement of my brain because I missed you, and in my mind we keep meeting each other for the first time, time and time again.

Because of you

because love is the only thing that can save us from the horror of our existence, and that is all the essence and magic of falling in love, and even if it never comes to realize or hasn't an happy ending or not even a start never regret it, even when it hurts, because deep down it coloured your life. Anyways knowing that you are part of the world made it a little more beautiful, unfortunatelly I am not part of your world but to me you were one of the most beautiful things I saw on it.

It's a matter of trust

Don't depend too much on anyone in this world. Even your shadow leaves you when you're in darkness 

Farewell grandpa

So altough I want to make this blog anonymous, I also want everybody to know who this amazing guy in the picture was, may he never been forgotten. 
I think in the picture you can say how kind, gentle, unique and good he was....it is true, he was that and much much more. His name was Manuel and he was one of my grandfathers, the last one alive.
His story started in 9-10-1926 and ended in 30-10-2015, he lived 89 years and 20 full days, he had a full joyfull life spreading lots of love and caring and getting it in return, he died yesterday in the same hospital me and my sister were born, and where my father was cured from a cancer and my mum from an heart problem, even tough he was old the doctors and nurses took great care of him and he lasted 26 days struggling for his life from a pneumonia in the hospital, his death was painless and during sleep, he did not feel a thing because he was given morphine, today was his funeral, this letter will be directed to him as if he was alive or as he could hear me (maybe he can, who knows?).

Grandpa you ceased to exist 2 days ago, and you will never come back to this world, but I wanted you to know that will keep being alive in my mind and memories until me too leave this world for good.
I regret not having visited you on your last week of life in the hospital, I remember with bitterness the fact you died in the day I was going to visit you, I just wanted to see your eyes again, hearing your voice again, kissing your  forehead and cheek again, hugging you again, one last time and never let that moment go. 
You were in pain and slowly dettaching from life and we know you had to go, sometimes is better to let go and to hold on, and at least now you don't feel any more pain.
Altough we were all prepared for your departure and considering you had a full and happy life and I consider it was more than fair, it hurts, and it hurts like hell thinking now you're just a memory.
You had a disease that has taken you away from us many years before, you had alzheimer, and so you kept mixing the past with the present and mixing who you were with who you are, you were there with us but not there at the same time, sometimes you imagined you were a kid again, and I admit it did hurt the day you stop knowing me. But I still know you and I want to keep you in a special place in my heart and walk with you wherever I will go, wherever I will be.

You had a difficult childhood, you went alone from your little village to Lisbon alone when you were 14 years old to help your widower father to raise your 5 brothers and sisters, you slept on the street and sometimes even ate food remains you picked from the floor, you spent your life working and suffering but one day you met the love of your life and she was beautiful, and she also met you, she also loved you back, she was your one true love, your life companion and friend during more than 60 years, she took care of you until the very end she fulfilled her promise to you, she took care of you even when you stop knowing her, she loved you for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, she loved and cherished you until death took you apart. How many people are lucky enough to find a love like that? How many people will have the enormous luck to be loved back like that? How many people will be this lucky to find the love of their lives and be in love for so may years? You were a lucky one grandpa. Also you had two amazing sons that never ever stopped helping you and always fullfilled with their moral obligations as sons, helping you walking when you stopped walking, feeding you when you stop feeding yourself, for you were their support when they were young and they repaid what you did to them, because in the beggining you also taught them to walk and to eat and protected them.
You worked your whole life so your kids could live well and take college degrees when you barely could read. You were a hero. 
I was so lucky for having you as my grandpa and for this so many years, thank you for teaching me how to ride a bike, thank you for telling me your stories, thank you for your love, atention and care.
Today was your funeral and there were lots of people, some of them you not even knew, you really touched a lot of people's hearts, and many people cried for saying goodbye to you. 
I just want to tell you that in my mind, you'll never be dead.Thanks for having existed and being present in my life, I love you grandpa, and love, it never dies.

P.S: don't worry we will look after grandma.

So long, with much love and appreciation from your grand daughter.
Rest in Peace

Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Love is a losing game

"the good are never easy, the easy never good, and love it never happens like you think it really should.Deception and perfection are wonderful traits, one will breed love, the other hate.You'll find me in the lonely hearts under 'I'm after a brand new start' but we cannot escape the past so you and I will never last"

love is the deepest colour in my heart that burns in sorrow

So I wrote a love letter (really old school, romantic, emotional) to someone I am in love with for almost an year. I gave him in hands a month ago he said he would think about it and see how he really feels, needless to say I am still waiting for the answer...but getting no answer is also a answer.

It really hurts when you develop such wonderful feelings for someone, when that someone completelly settles in your heart, mind and soul, when it is like that someone brought magic to your life, the connection you made seemed so strong and real, you imagined all the places you could go with that person, everywhere you are you whish that person would be there with you, you wish everyone you are with would be that person, the world seems to stop and everything is all right when that person is near. It is the first person you think of when you wake up and the last you think when you fall asleep.
When that person is not around you feel empty and break into tears, you try to find someone else but you can't substitute someone who you are this crazy in love with, it frustrates you someone else not being THAT someone.
When someone you felt this strong with rejects you and ignores you you really have a breakdown, you realize none of your day dreams will come true, it was all in your imagination altough the feelings were true and strong. You wish with all your forces that someone looked at you the same way, you refuse to let it go, you want nobody else, and the only way to cope with this sadness is cry your eyes out, you know someday not for away you will be healed but while it lasts it hurts, it hurts like hell. Sometimes we just fall in the idea of being in love, sometimes it is all an ilusion of what we want that person to be, what we imagined.
Either ways this was not the first time I fell in love, and once again lead me to a dead end, the thing is this time I really spoke my heart out, that person knows about it, which means I am improving at least. This is a much darker and sadder kind of love. It’s the love one feels when one loves someone he or she can never and will never have.It’s the kind of love that doesn’t signal the beginning of something beautiful, but rather the end of something that might have been beautiful, but will never amount to anything more than what it is.You wait in hopes that new love can take the place of the old — which it probably can in theory. But that doesn’t mean you will ever stop loving that person. Some people will love each other or only love someone without being loved back until the day they die, spending the majority of their lives apart. And so is the darker side of love.

Truth is I never wanted to get over you or let you go but I know it's over and it never really began but in my heart it was so real!

Love is natural and real but not for such as you and I

"Don't love deeply, till you make sure that the other part loves you with the same depth, because the depth of your love today is the depth of your sorrow tomorrow"

Shame on Bragança!

I am writting this post to tell you about the bloodthirsty and sadistic tradition that today I was aware that  happens in my country, Portugal, in a place named Bragança.
To celebrate the festivities of São João, in the village, the villagers put the cat inside the ceramic pot up in the electricity post and then they set fire to the cat that is burnt alive while those scoundrel applause and laugh while the pet experiences an agonizing death!
This happened in my country and I feel revolted and ashamed, how can I feel so bad about the chinseses in the Yulin dog festival in China when stuff like this happens here?
Please help me spreading this horror tradition so we can ashame the town and make them stop!

(Link to the awful video here: http://www.publico.pt/multimedia/video/queima-do-gato-vila-flor-20150626-105947
Fromto end this horror here: http://peticaopublica.com/psign.aspx?pi=PT77608)

Nepal, is doing it right!

Next week I was absolutely revolted and shcoked and disgusted to live in a planet where there is a dog meat festival where dogs are brutally killed (like boiled alive, decapitaed, beaten to death) and brutally treated before they are murdered and then eaten. This gruesome festival is the Yulin and happens in China. I have talked about dog meat trade in Asia on my blog before, and unfortunatelly yes, some people in Asia eat cats and dogs.
But today I read that there is a festival in Nepal named Tihar, where dogs are celebrated for being beautiful and friendly creatures, this really warmed my heart, the expression of love and gratitude on those dog's eyes are priceless. This is how we should treat a best friend!
Good to know not everything is bad in this world. :)
Much love to Nepal!:)

(Read: http://www.the-open-mind.com/nepal-holds-tihar-festival-to-celebrate-dogs-not-eat-them/)

Everyday I love you less and less and that is a bless

I have shut off myself in my shelf on loneliness all my life afraid of loving people, in all aspects of love, from romantic love to friendship to family love. I tried to be distant and cold all my life, I always knew when you love something or someone you become weak, it is unbearable painful to know you will never be strong with someone that is your weak point, detachment is the root of all suffering so also love. Every once in a while I open up my heart and feel good for a little while, but then that persons disappoint you or leave you and the sorrow that comes after is for me way too much.
For me the worst part of it is  having good memories with someone that made you feel special and then leaves you with no goodbye or explanation. Then you are told to "let it go", "best thing you never had", "forget it" and you go on step by step breaking your face in an endless sequence of mistakes that  bitter your heart and make you souless.
I even feel disheartned to meet people, trying to captivate them and letting being captivated by them if all that you will ever live will once be a good moment in the present and a bitter memory in your mind that your inner voices and friends say to "forget, forget", if all the cure and point of life is moving on and forget the past seriously I see no point in living because all the good thing I lived are now good moments that will never come back and that is what hurts the most, everyone tells you to forget, your inner voices tell you to forget, everyone else seems to have forgotten but all I think is that ok I will forget this and live new things to make new memories that will hurt me again in the future and I should forget again....if it is all about forgetfulness why even bother to live new things? Past leaves you depressed, future anxious and all you have is this present missing all good from the past and anxious to the good things of the future that will become past too. I see no point in this.
I feel ridiculous....I guess I gave it all to someone that cannot love me back...again.

the inSIGNIFICANCE of Life

First thing about life I believe is you don't need a plan and you don't need a dream.
Fine, if you have something you've always wanted to do, dreamed of, like in your heart...well go for it! After all, it's something to do in life: killing time while time is killing you, so spend time chasing you dream. But be careful, if it's an enough big dream it will take most time of your life to achieve so by the time you get it you'll be almost dead so it won't matter really.
I consider myself a realistic but in philosophical terms I am what is considered a pessimistic.
I think human conscience was a tragic misstep of evolution...the problema is that we become too self aware and that's something that can make us experience life in all its fullness but it will also depresses you, make you feel lonely, lost, insignificante and ultimately depressed about living.
Nature created an aspect out of itself, we are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are creatures who act in the ilusion of having a self, an accession of sensorial experience and feelings programmed to think that we are each one somebody, when in fact, everybody is nobody.
Sometimes I think like Rustin Cohle from the tv serie "True Detective" who said most of the things I said above but also adds that "the most honrable thing to our specie is to deny our programming and stop reproducing. Walking hand in hand until our extinction".
I know this last statement is way too extreme and nobody will do it, humans will continue to reproduce and reproduce until our fatal extinction because Sun will die and dry Earth out (I read that Earth might even be swallowed when the sun explode in millions of years ahead)or faster due to a random cataclysm like a random asteroid floating randomnly in the outer space and hitting the Earth and wiping us like wiped out the dinossaurs millions of years ago or due to a climate change provoked by our destructive practices in the environment or just due to natural changes that happen throughout the Eras and caused massive extinctions in the past. It's funny how Earth has this immensely ability to created so many different forms of life out of thin air just because the atmosphere turn out to have the magical formula to gather two athoms of hydrogen and one athom of oxygen and create water, that is the source of life itself. Then more athoms gathered and created lots of cool beings like dinossaurs, birds, monkeys, people....the way to pass this information throughout time is by the invention of sex, the cause of life, this sexually transmitted disease we all suffer from, so vaginas and pénis were some sort of invented and inside those organs crazy biological stuff happens with the so call gametes being created completely out of your mind control hoping to get fertilized and procceed to the creation of another being obbeying natural biological laws.
So it is funny how in the same place there are so many forms of life and how life puts so much endeavour building complex beings that will ultimately be destroyed.
When we all appreciate life and are thankful for being alive we should not Forget that we are a product of millons of millions of years of fucks that end up in births and sucessive reproduction throughout all this time, lots of people were responsible for us to be here when giving in to the lust that was activated in their brain by hormonal segregation....and we own our life not only to people, but the primates from caves and the primates before, and the mammals before and what else? the fishes before too. I can say we are all potential sexual biological information travelling in time and space.
The odds of you being alive are almost residual...picture this, we own our life due to single sperm that won a "race" against other 249 999 999 sperms that exist in a single ejaculation....considering not only this frankly low probability of 1 in 250 millions you have to count of how many sperms "beated" the contraceptives, and considering the amount of times our fathers had sex or jerked off...frankly it is a very lucky luck (if you continue to feel lucky anyways) to be here. To me it just doesn't make me feel special but in fact ordinary, random....my mum can keep saying that she is very happy about giving birth to me but I know that she could have created more 249 million different persons in her utero! Stop thinking you are special, biologically speaking you're not.
Besides the fertilization (intentionally or by "accident"), you have to hope your mum doesn't want to abort you and/or a miscarriage don't happen, then you are born out your mum's guts to the outer world and you have to hope she or someone takes care of you because we all are born helpless and fragile. This is talking about just about a generation....now think about all the countless generations before you....the same thing had to happen and all those people had to be alive until at least their reproductive age....imagine if one of your relatives, let's say from the Middle Age, died before he or she had sex...you can be sure you and tons of people before you would never be here.
This also applies to animals from which we evolved....so you have a big picture of it...for animals there is not such a thing as contraceptives they are just programmed (by who? does that need to be a Who?) to have sex and reproduce and take care of their babies (if they are born healthy, if not they are probabley abandoned....natural selection is a cold hearted bitch!).
So no wonder everyone expects you to have sex and reproduce on purpose or by "accident", it's like all living things are programmed to do that....if you, like me, dare to say you don't want to follow that path you can count on with a large dosis of social ostracism...it is like you are against the existence of your own specie because you don't want to populate the world with your genes, it is like you are supposed to return a favour because someones did those for you.
Think about all those people who you inherit your genes from....thousands and thousands of them...you own them your height, your face, your possible genetic diseases...think of them now again, how much of them did you know, where are them now? let me answer you: dead and forgotten.
But you are lucky to be born anyways, you are lucky to be made of the sort of DNA that went on to make the sort a brain you keep your thoughts and memories and experiences and that's because of that mysterious jelly that you can feel the outer world and experience the world in all that it has of good and bad and awesome and terrible. Things don't really exist in the real world, they are interpretated they depend of your subjective interpretation and all of that is processed in your brain.
Either ways life is meaningless...and this is not a flippant assertion. I think it's absurd the idea of seeking meaning  in the set of circumstances that happens to exist after 13,8 billion years worth of unguided events. Leave it to humans to think the Universe has a purpose for them.
Life will sometimes seem long and tough and tiring. And you will sometimes be happy and sometimes sad and then you'll be old and then you'll be dead. Meanwhile, you will feel the need of reproducing to fulfill your programming and that is why so many women get depressed, frustrated and feel worthlesss when they can't create a child inside them. Also you will feel lonely and that is why you want to have someone around, because sex partners might leave anytime but not a child, you can be sure, until they need you they will stick around, you will have someone to look after and that will make you feel important and special, also biologically speaking, fullfiled, you will love that person more than anything in the world and hope to be loved back...but if you are not you won't feel rejected or despised like in a romantic relationship, because a love for a son or daughter is a true love, you give everything hoping nothing in return, you kind of give up your plans and dreams for that person. Then you will hope they remind themselves of how much importance and love you gave to them and hope not to be forgotten, but they probably will be busy forming and living with their own family. And then your plans of not dying alone may be shattered anyways. People also have an anxious to reproduce because they want to be remembered by others when they die, is like reaching some kind of level of immortality, they want a to leave a proof they existed.

But I keep thinking about the humorous  it must take to yank a soul from non existence into this: MEAT. To force a life into this wilderness.
We all have seen the finale of thousands lives throughout our existence, new or old, each one were so sure about thei realness, that their sensorial experience cast an unique individual with a purpose, a meaning, so certain that they were more than a biological puppet. Truth wills out and in the end everybody sees that when the strings are cut out they all fall down.

I keep bothering my mind with the nonsensical existence of the Universe or maybe is my mind bothering me about this, I am afraid because thoughts flow imaterially in there and they make me laugh and cry and make me have lots of random emotions and feelings...I try to own my mind and control my thoughts but is impossible is like it has free will...it is no wonder that the happiest guy in the world is a monk who meditates half of the day and the other is asleep...so apparently, as I was afraid, the secret for happiness is think the less you can, ignorant and dumb people are the happiest....ignorance is bliss, they say and they are probably right.
This thoughts about awareness of being alive but also being aware you have no knowledge to respond why and how is totally depressive.
But who doesn't think that is a bizarre event a stupid random explosion happening out of nowhere creating random stars and planets and time and space itself?

Earth is a beautiful place flourishing with life, is like na oasis in the cold empty space (although I believe there are many Earths in the Universe that had, have or will have some sort of life)...but the magic ends quickly when you see that even in the deep of forests and oceans animals live a daily slaughter between them, a bloody violent struggle for the survival of those diferente species that get energy by eating and killing others....by some sort of reason (if there is any) there are animals that don't eatothers, like gazelles, elephants, deers, horses and other herbivores and others that get energy by eating other animals, the carnivores, like lions, cheetahs, bears, crocodiles and so on....this looks really unfair, sad, revolting and bloodthirsty to me but keeps a balance between the number of species in a environment....but there is no such a thing as peace in the animal world, it is, it was and it will always be a daily slaughter.
About the biggest predators on Earth now, the humans, we can see how beautiful cities and buildings we built but looking closely we can see that we all have a lifestyle that destroys the environment and kills other species, also the daily kill is a constant, the violance is outraged and echos of pain from childs living in cities being bombed are completely indiferente to the Universe....our prayers and sorrows echo in the void of the Universe....some of those persons kill in order to please an imaginary friend called God, the creator of Universe and that has a plan for them....that imaginary entity never bothered to show up and say of its justice so all is permitted to justify the willing of kill.
Look at our lives, dying planet, we are the viroses of the ecossystem we crave and crave and get and get without giving the Earth any substancial advantage of our existence, we consume Earth, we kill Earth, we kill each other...so to me Earth is nothing but a giant gutter floating in the outer space, sometimes I think it was better it was empty and barren as the others....as Venus, Mars or even Júpiter...those planets have no problems and suffer for no pain and sorrow.
Well but sometimes the dreams come true, like our dream of drifting in a rock in the floating space experiencing an existence devoid of any real significance or purpose.

Love sick

I am having one of the worsts feelings ever, I am afraid I committed the capital crime of falling in love again, for someone that once again, ignores me at the same time that invades my thoughts and change my feelings into a level of sickness and sadness few people could throughout my life. I never really fall trully in love, because I never was loved back by the same person, I never trusted a person that much and deceived myself to a point I could believe something could be real, reciprocal and last, I won't say forever of course, but for a period of time. This is just like a little sample of what it must feel to be in love, either ways, it kills me because I get anxious, depressed and insomniac, I also cry rivers of tears and those butterflies in my stomach make me want to throw up, I feel tired just to wake up and feel not like getting away from my slumber because I know when I wake up I will think about you, but even when I sleep you creep into my thoughts, you are the first thing I think when I wake up and last when I go to sleep, you become a central part of my mind's landscape and your face is haunting me every night, I feel no good when I think about you, but you seem to be an addictive pill but instead of making me better you keep making me ill.

I took my part, you played your game...and gave love a bad name.
Your game is discretly letting me know it's over by ignoring me, until I do it to you and you keep ignoring and I finally getting it, you are so smart!!!
I should have known better when you came around that would make me cry, but that's ok because what goes around comes back around, in time you'll see.
I hate this feeling, I think most of it has to do with the rejection from someone you cared and spend some good moments with and that at some point just got enough of you, was bothered with your presence and wanted new persons like a collector of people trying to fullfill the boredom of its own existence.

Rejection hurts but what is even worst is that the person you once liked to be with will become a stranger again, you have to put all those memories in the section of past in your brain and let it be quiet and tidy, since you can't forget....how stupid this will of wanting to forget moments you liked, right? Either ways we all have been there....
It also hurts too much when someone makes you feel special and then suddenly leaves you hangign and you have to pretend you are strong and don't care at alll.
I used to make fun of people that let themselves drown in sorrow because of love, but now I kind of get it....I thought love would make my life sweeter but it just made my life even more bitter.
So as the daily converstations died, and I stopped seeing your face I understood your message because getting no message is also a message....I know as days go by the pain will pass, tears will dry on their own, and I will forget your face and voice and you will just be a vague memory imprinted in my brain.
Hearts are made to be broken...by love and hellos only end in goodyes.

"I wasting my time trying to fall in love, disappointment came to me and booted me and bruised and hurt me, I was wasting my life praying for love, for the love that never comes from someone who does not exist but that's ok because that's how people grow up"