the inSIGNIFICANCE of Life

First thing about life I believe is you don't need a plan and you don't need a dream.
Fine, if you have something you've always wanted to do, dreamed of, like in your heart...well go for it! After all, it's something to do in life: killing time while time is killing you, so spend time chasing you dream. But be careful, if it's an enough big dream it will take most time of your life to achieve so by the time you get it you'll be almost dead so it won't matter really.
I consider myself a realistic but in philosophical terms I am what is considered a pessimistic.
I think human conscience was a tragic misstep of evolution...the problema is that we become too self aware and that's something that can make us experience life in all its fullness but it will also depresses you, make you feel lonely, lost, insignificante and ultimately depressed about living.
Nature created an aspect out of itself, we are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are creatures who act in the ilusion of having a self, an accession of sensorial experience and feelings programmed to think that we are each one somebody, when in fact, everybody is nobody.
Sometimes I think like Rustin Cohle from the tv serie "True Detective" who said most of the things I said above but also adds that "the most honrable thing to our specie is to deny our programming and stop reproducing. Walking hand in hand until our extinction".
I know this last statement is way too extreme and nobody will do it, humans will continue to reproduce and reproduce until our fatal extinction because Sun will die and dry Earth out (I read that Earth might even be swallowed when the sun explode in millions of years ahead)or faster due to a random cataclysm like a random asteroid floating randomnly in the outer space and hitting the Earth and wiping us like wiped out the dinossaurs millions of years ago or due to a climate change provoked by our destructive practices in the environment or just due to natural changes that happen throughout the Eras and caused massive extinctions in the past. It's funny how Earth has this immensely ability to created so many different forms of life out of thin air just because the atmosphere turn out to have the magical formula to gather two athoms of hydrogen and one athom of oxygen and create water, that is the source of life itself. Then more athoms gathered and created lots of cool beings like dinossaurs, birds, monkeys, people....the way to pass this information throughout time is by the invention of sex, the cause of life, this sexually transmitted disease we all suffer from, so vaginas and pénis were some sort of invented and inside those organs crazy biological stuff happens with the so call gametes being created completely out of your mind control hoping to get fertilized and procceed to the creation of another being obbeying natural biological laws.
So it is funny how in the same place there are so many forms of life and how life puts so much endeavour building complex beings that will ultimately be destroyed.
When we all appreciate life and are thankful for being alive we should not Forget that we are a product of millons of millions of years of fucks that end up in births and sucessive reproduction throughout all this time, lots of people were responsible for us to be here when giving in to the lust that was activated in their brain by hormonal segregation....and we own our life not only to people, but the primates from caves and the primates before, and the mammals before and what else? the fishes before too. I can say we are all potential sexual biological information travelling in time and space.
The odds of you being alive are almost residual...picture this, we own our life due to single sperm that won a "race" against other 249 999 999 sperms that exist in a single ejaculation....considering not only this frankly low probability of 1 in 250 millions you have to count of how many sperms "beated" the contraceptives, and considering the amount of times our fathers had sex or jerked off...frankly it is a very lucky luck (if you continue to feel lucky anyways) to be here. To me it just doesn't make me feel special but in fact ordinary, random....my mum can keep saying that she is very happy about giving birth to me but I know that she could have created more 249 million different persons in her utero! Stop thinking you are special, biologically speaking you're not.
Besides the fertilization (intentionally or by "accident"), you have to hope your mum doesn't want to abort you and/or a miscarriage don't happen, then you are born out your mum's guts to the outer world and you have to hope she or someone takes care of you because we all are born helpless and fragile. This is talking about just about a generation....now think about all the countless generations before you....the same thing had to happen and all those people had to be alive until at least their reproductive age....imagine if one of your relatives, let's say from the Middle Age, died before he or she had sex...you can be sure you and tons of people before you would never be here.
This also applies to animals from which we evolved....so you have a big picture of it...for animals there is not such a thing as contraceptives they are just programmed (by who? does that need to be a Who?) to have sex and reproduce and take care of their babies (if they are born healthy, if not they are probabley abandoned....natural selection is a cold hearted bitch!).
So no wonder everyone expects you to have sex and reproduce on purpose or by "accident", it's like all living things are programmed to do that....if you, like me, dare to say you don't want to follow that path you can count on with a large dosis of social ostracism...it is like you are against the existence of your own specie because you don't want to populate the world with your genes, it is like you are supposed to return a favour because someones did those for you.
Think about all those people who you inherit your genes from....thousands and thousands of them...you own them your height, your face, your possible genetic diseases...think of them now again, how much of them did you know, where are them now? let me answer you: dead and forgotten.
But you are lucky to be born anyways, you are lucky to be made of the sort of DNA that went on to make the sort a brain you keep your thoughts and memories and experiences and that's because of that mysterious jelly that you can feel the outer world and experience the world in all that it has of good and bad and awesome and terrible. Things don't really exist in the real world, they are interpretated they depend of your subjective interpretation and all of that is processed in your brain.
Either ways life is meaningless...and this is not a flippant assertion. I think it's absurd the idea of seeking meaning  in the set of circumstances that happens to exist after 13,8 billion years worth of unguided events. Leave it to humans to think the Universe has a purpose for them.
Life will sometimes seem long and tough and tiring. And you will sometimes be happy and sometimes sad and then you'll be old and then you'll be dead. Meanwhile, you will feel the need of reproducing to fulfill your programming and that is why so many women get depressed, frustrated and feel worthlesss when they can't create a child inside them. Also you will feel lonely and that is why you want to have someone around, because sex partners might leave anytime but not a child, you can be sure, until they need you they will stick around, you will have someone to look after and that will make you feel important and special, also biologically speaking, fullfiled, you will love that person more than anything in the world and hope to be loved back...but if you are not you won't feel rejected or despised like in a romantic relationship, because a love for a son or daughter is a true love, you give everything hoping nothing in return, you kind of give up your plans and dreams for that person. Then you will hope they remind themselves of how much importance and love you gave to them and hope not to be forgotten, but they probably will be busy forming and living with their own family. And then your plans of not dying alone may be shattered anyways. People also have an anxious to reproduce because they want to be remembered by others when they die, is like reaching some kind of level of immortality, they want a to leave a proof they existed.

But I keep thinking about the humorous  it must take to yank a soul from non existence into this: MEAT. To force a life into this wilderness.
We all have seen the finale of thousands lives throughout our existence, new or old, each one were so sure about thei realness, that their sensorial experience cast an unique individual with a purpose, a meaning, so certain that they were more than a biological puppet. Truth wills out and in the end everybody sees that when the strings are cut out they all fall down.

I keep bothering my mind with the nonsensical existence of the Universe or maybe is my mind bothering me about this, I am afraid because thoughts flow imaterially in there and they make me laugh and cry and make me have lots of random emotions and feelings...I try to own my mind and control my thoughts but is impossible is like it has free will...it is no wonder that the happiest guy in the world is a monk who meditates half of the day and the other is asleep...so apparently, as I was afraid, the secret for happiness is think the less you can, ignorant and dumb people are the happiest....ignorance is bliss, they say and they are probably right.
This thoughts about awareness of being alive but also being aware you have no knowledge to respond why and how is totally depressive.
But who doesn't think that is a bizarre event a stupid random explosion happening out of nowhere creating random stars and planets and time and space itself?

Earth is a beautiful place flourishing with life, is like na oasis in the cold empty space (although I believe there are many Earths in the Universe that had, have or will have some sort of life)...but the magic ends quickly when you see that even in the deep of forests and oceans animals live a daily slaughter between them, a bloody violent struggle for the survival of those diferente species that get energy by eating and killing others....by some sort of reason (if there is any) there are animals that don't eatothers, like gazelles, elephants, deers, horses and other herbivores and others that get energy by eating other animals, the carnivores, like lions, cheetahs, bears, crocodiles and so on....this looks really unfair, sad, revolting and bloodthirsty to me but keeps a balance between the number of species in a environment....but there is no such a thing as peace in the animal world, it is, it was and it will always be a daily slaughter.
About the biggest predators on Earth now, the humans, we can see how beautiful cities and buildings we built but looking closely we can see that we all have a lifestyle that destroys the environment and kills other species, also the daily kill is a constant, the violance is outraged and echos of pain from childs living in cities being bombed are completely indiferente to the Universe....our prayers and sorrows echo in the void of the Universe....some of those persons kill in order to please an imaginary friend called God, the creator of Universe and that has a plan for them....that imaginary entity never bothered to show up and say of its justice so all is permitted to justify the willing of kill.
Look at our lives, dying planet, we are the viroses of the ecossystem we crave and crave and get and get without giving the Earth any substancial advantage of our existence, we consume Earth, we kill Earth, we kill each other...so to me Earth is nothing but a giant gutter floating in the outer space, sometimes I think it was better it was empty and barren as the others....as Venus, Mars or even Júpiter...those planets have no problems and suffer for no pain and sorrow.
Well but sometimes the dreams come true, like our dream of drifting in a rock in the floating space experiencing an existence devoid of any real significance or purpose.

Love sick

I am having one of the worsts feelings ever, I am afraid I committed the capital crime of falling in love again, for someone that once again, ignores me at the same time that invades my thoughts and change my feelings into a level of sickness and sadness few people could throughout my life. I never really fall trully in love, because I never was loved back by the same person, I never trusted a person that much and deceived myself to a point I could believe something could be real, reciprocal and last, I won't say forever of course, but for a period of time. This is just like a little sample of what it must feel to be in love, either ways, it kills me because I get anxious, depressed and insomniac, I also cry rivers of tears and those butterflies in my stomach make me want to throw up, I feel tired just to wake up and feel not like getting away from my slumber because I know when I wake up I will think about you, but even when I sleep you creep into my thoughts, you are the first thing I think when I wake up and last when I go to sleep, you become a central part of my mind's landscape and your face is haunting me every night, I feel no good when I think about you, but you seem to be an addictive pill but instead of making me better you keep making me ill.

I took my part, you played your game...and gave love a bad name.
Your game is discretly letting me know it's over by ignoring me, until I do it to you and you keep ignoring and I finally getting it, you are so smart!!!
I should have known better when you came around that would make me cry, but that's ok because what goes around comes back around, in time you'll see.
I hate this feeling, I think most of it has to do with the rejection from someone you cared and spend some good moments with and that at some point just got enough of you, was bothered with your presence and wanted new persons like a collector of people trying to fullfill the boredom of its own existence.

Rejection hurts but what is even worst is that the person you once liked to be with will become a stranger again, you have to put all those memories in the section of past in your brain and let it be quiet and tidy, since you can't forget....how stupid this will of wanting to forget moments you liked, right? Either ways we all have been there....
It also hurts too much when someone makes you feel special and then suddenly leaves you hangign and you have to pretend you are strong and don't care at alll.
I used to make fun of people that let themselves drown in sorrow because of love, but now I kind of get it....I thought love would make my life sweeter but it just made my life even more bitter.
So as the daily converstations died, and I stopped seeing your face I understood your message because getting no message is also a message....I know as days go by the pain will pass, tears will dry on their own, and I will forget your face and voice and you will just be a vague memory imprinted in my brain.
Hearts are made to be broken...by love and hellos only end in goodyes.

"I wasting my time trying to fall in love, disappointment came to me and booted me and bruised and hurt me, I was wasting my life praying for love, for the love that never comes from someone who does not exist but that's ok because that's how people grow up"