Lessons learnt in life

I will not make the same mistakes that I did, I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery, I will not break the same way I did, I've learnt the hardest way to never let it get that far, because of you I learnt to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt, because of you I try my hard just to forget everything, because of you I don't know how to love anybody else, and now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing.

I hate people because they make me hate myself

not good enough

And my best was not enough for you. I wish one day I can unlove you. 

other people's heartache

Sometimes I wish I could become a heartbreaker that feeds its soul on other's heartache and shattered dreams, without minding, at all

whatever....

I wanted you to notice when I am not around, I wish I was special, you are so very special...I wish you could know how much I love you and look at me the same way I look at you, but you don't get to choose anything in matters of the heart, fate didn't want this way, I guess I imagined you all along.
if only I wasn't such a creep, if only you could see my worth, if only I was special like you, if only I was you!

Ilusions never changed into something real

This feeling that burns my soul inside and seems to never fade and never goes away, always tormenting me, always wishing for what and for who I can never get. It is something clearly impossible that just happened in my mind and only my heart felt, so why it won't go away? It's just too disturbing and painful for me, let my feelings flow out of control and put my imagination running into a life I will never get with you, Sometimes I wish I was an heartbreaker too, the kind that denies other's wishes knowing I had the power to make those people happy and feeds on their shatttered dreams, I wish I was fireproof, I wish no one could break my heart, I really wish I was indiferent to all this crazy emotions hard to deal with.

just think happy thoughts

whenever I go to graveyards it makes me think why are people so obcessed with having nice and in shape pieces of their meat, some even diet all life so other's can see their bones....I mean all bodies are meant to rotten and be forgoten, don't they know we're meat for the flies?
In case you did not notice, we are oblivious in our pathetic and unguided existence (even if you are religious you feel the void and nonesense of living, we all do), and no matter how good you live you can die any moment and it doesn't matter how many good experiences you pass through in life one day it will be memories that you forget as you grow old due to the entropic decay of all biological systems and even if you die with memories still printed in your brain....who cares it all disappears too because it was just info in your mind, memories are not real. So basically this is life, enjoy it while you still can and produce a lot of serotinine substance in your brain to make it all worth it (aka be happy)

Another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults

So I just saw this videos on you tube and I think they are very cool and actually can teach you about the fraud of the banking system, which also means the fraud of our life, because it is almost all about money making.
So you are an adult now, so you have to be one, not that you have other choice, have you? as an adult you have to bring value to our society and that means: money, you have to have a way to get an occupation which can provide you each month with a series of numbers on the screen which you call wage and manage to pay for your stuff and taxes for the government to do wtf they want including giving bankers A LOT of bonuses as a way of thanking them for their parasitic "jobs" creating money out of thin air, because money is an illusion, economy is a scam and nothing is real, banks rely on your trust, trust that your life savings are safe when in fact those little numbers you saved from hours of your work are being used to multiply money into credit and to bets in the stocket market, money is fluid and it's everywhere, your money just won't stay still safe in a place altough it will always appear those same numbers in the screen...so basically you as an adult are being told now you will learn how life is hard to make (capture: make a living=making money....to live), or not, if you are one of the magicians in the banking system, you put all your trust and effort in life following those pretty numbers when in fact your account has no material money....and we care too much about this shit when in fact this system is a lie of endless debt and endless wars that hopefully one day will collapse because it is a FRAUD. If you can't join this monopoly game you know what happens right? if your time has no value in the form of money you will be banned from this capitalistic society and turn to be an hobbo or something, because altough we share the same planet and we all should be entitled to have the same opportunities and share of what is ours, there comes the bankers, the owners of the world that with their wicked black magic determine who can survive, who dies from hunger, who gets rich and who lives an average life. Nothing new I guess we all knew that before...isn't it wonderful to be a fucking adult and do adult stuff like blindly accept the fraud of the world we live in? 

"you get mistaken for strangers by your own friends, when you pass them at night under the silvery, silvery Citibank lights"

BLUE

I'm so in love with you, I'll be forever blue

love will tear us apart again

When routine bites hard and ambitions are low and resentment rides high but emotions won't grow, and we're changing our ways, taking different roads..Then love, love will tear us apart again.

chins up, smiles on

It's really scary what a smile can hide...
I usually pretend I am happy so people don't know how broken and sad I actually am or maybe I just want to forget the way I feel, but there are so many countless times when I smiled and laughed feeling really depressed...people who deal with me have tendency to think I am this bright and smiling person, it's not true at all, I guess I just keep doing this because people in a way demand me to be like this or maybe I just want to avoid questions or make them feel ok when I pretend I am ok, I don't know, but let me tell you, nothing can be more deceiving than a smile

make a wish...

With every smile we lose a line and watch the stars fall back into the sky. But you know why?I don’t mind losing you this time,because I know I’ll meet you coming backwards, I’ll meet you coming back, when the universe has expanded, time will contract, and you’ll come back.I’ll meet you coming backwards next time..but we move forwards, into emptiness, into the void, into the universe, so there will be no next time, we’ll just part as happy strangers from a long friendship that grew from such a love

J. you were my wish

sorrow, you took away tomorrow

Sorrow found me when I was young
Sorrow waited, sorrow won

it's always the best moment of the day

I love sleeping, it's just like death, but without the commitment

My New Year Resolution

This is my new year's resolution, I will make ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT to keep people in my life, it doesn't matter if it is a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague from work or university, an ex colleague from school, old crushes, new flames, even people I liked to meet, living nearby or far away or even members of my own family, I will do NOTHING to make you still remember me, if you don't talk to me or invite me to go out, don't expect me to do so because I won't, if you don't care or pretend you don't or are waiting for me to care first, forget it I won't. I don't care if we never talk again or see each other again, my goal is to dettach emotionally from all, because attachment is the root of all suffering. I know lots of people stayed for sure in 2015 I'll see who stills with me by the end of this year, if no one, I will keep improving myself and follow my own goals anyways.

About today

It's a brand new year and yet I am feeling down and depressed, crying rivers of tears and still I cannot soothe my pain, it's an old one, I just should have been used to it already, but still I am here writting this nonesenses to the whole internet and world to know how pathetic I am for feeling sorry for myself, I wish the person I dedicate this could read but I am afraid that won't happen.
I guess 2015 was a good year for me, I really liked it. So thinking it is over now makes me feel depressed, maybe I think that nothing better than last year will turn to be real, or I think about all the persons I lost in 2015 and other years and the persons I am about to lose in the coming years, or the older I am getting, or my stressful exams coming up, or maybe all the good things I wished for in the beggining of 2015 and some really came true make me as well feeel depressed because all those good times are now just memories, nothing more than memories, people say you have to hope for the future but I am so sick of it because I know when I get to the future all will be past again and all will be blurred memories. Deep down, I did not want to leave 2015 at all. But one thought was constant all night...you,you,you, only thoughts of you J.
At the end of 2014 I found by chance one of the few persons that I looked at as magic, I even believed when you said how lucky you felt to meet me. So, I started 2015 with that person, and ever since that day I've been obcessed and obstinate with this person, it has been more than an year and my mind keeps torturing me with thoughts os this person, it gives me no peace of mind, I can't speak about this person without crying and all my thoughts of this person leads to crying as well. It's been more than an year like this, running after someone who runs away from me, wishing I could get a real chance, just one more day with that person, just one last conversation, just trying to convince that person to look at me the same way as I look at you or at least let me be around so my mood can be lightened up by your existence. and so it goes, endlessly. I've cried more for this heartbreak than when people from family died, and I feel ashamed for it, but maybe that's because when someone dies, you have to accept that it's over and my situation right now is I really don't know if it's over, and I think I don't want it to be, that is why I kept trying, and trying and trying until I had no dignity or pride, but the door is always closed, as usual, I keep knocking, silly me.
So that person did not want to start 2016 with me, I tried to pretend I was fine and go out and drink and all but all my thoughts and talks lead to that person, it's exhausting, I had people around with me, and I felt frustrated for none of them being the one I wanted to be with, some people approached me, were nice to me and tried to talk to me, but I felt even worse and more frustrated, thinking of the last New Years Eve when that person was with me, now I was walking the same very streets and all I saw in my head were glimpses from last year...you were not there now, then just picturing in my mind where would you be, doing what, with who, I was searching in every stranger's face for you and it was very disappointing...basically, could not enjoy the night. because of happy memories from last year.
Isn't it ironic and stupid to feel depressed for having been so happy? That's totally my mood now and I don't know what it's worse, if have nothing real good to rememeber or having real good memories to rememeber and feel this nostalgic and melancholic.
I felt genuinelly jealous of all those persons holding hands and hugging and kissing, but for more opportunities I might have had to have that on that night I sabotaged them all, I just don't want someone, I want that one, J is the only one I can stand, the only one I don't loathe, the only one I am ok that touches me, so many times I tried to give opportunities to meet other persons but nothing evolved, it's tiring and dishonest for me and the other persons looking at them and being disappointed for them not being who I wanted them to be, and this also happens with friends, so many times I am with friends and wish I could trade them all for J.
Before I delete your number and other ways of contact so many times I felt disappointed when I was so excited to see who text messaged me and it wasn't you....never happened to me before, being continuosuly disappointed for that not being your messages, those people's faces not being yours...and this is just painfully wrong.
I guess I just have myself to blame, you made it clear and moved ahead, no more fake promises, it's me that stills chasing the ghost of you even tough you are gone from my life, this makes me hate myself and I have never been this weak and blind I am afraid.
You know when I am sad or happy or bored I think about you, how many times I have revisited the way we met and the times we were together, every place I am, when I am down "I wish you were", when I am happy "I wish you were here", when I am travelling "I wish you were here", you are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep,, and even during my sleep sometimes you're there too. I have imagined tons of situations that we are together, just daydreaming in my mind, and sometimes it gets confused because I not even know what memories are real or fake, imagined or experienced. Secretly, I just don't want to get over you or substitute you, I am always running after something impossible and that rejects me, while as a revenge I keep putting everyone aside and rejecting everyone, I'll tell you a secret, I do it mercilless, and never feel bad about it, actually it gives me the ilusion I am strong and don't need anyone, I keep refusing giving chances to other persons...the same chances I craved to you, and so it's life.
I still don't know how or why I liked you and still like you, I hope this ends someday because it's driving me mad, you appear in my day dreams and also at my dreams at night, and you have no idea how it feels like.
Maybe this is all a karma for joking with the weak people that fall in love, I used to make fun of them, but now I see there is no fun in this for as much stupid as a situation can be...love is ridiculous I always knew I just wasn't expecting to get this depressed and sad because you are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart. It's a new level of mixed feelings I have never experienced, I know I have to let you go, you are gone already, but I just don't want to.
A nice smiling boy approaches me because I was alone waiting to get home and says I look so sad and it's New Year's day! I say, the night was boring, one of the worst new Year's eve of my life and I should not get out of home (altough I know if I did I would be crying all day), he says "not that bad, I wouldn't meet you!", cheesy line or true statement I don't know...maybe this could be the start of something new, a sign from the Universe to move on? I say I have a boyfriend, his name is J. As the stranger walks away I keep thinking...as only if...u were J.
My wish for 2015 was to be with you, I was forced to ask to forget you in 2016. I just don't know how.

"J. I am in trouble can't get these thoughts out of me
It takes a lot of pain to pick me up, it takes a lot of rain in the cup
Baby you gave me bad ideas, baby you left me sad and high"

Will I ever be able to say goodbye to you, J?