Sometimes people (family specially) argue with me, and I always try to seem strong, I argue back, sometimes I scream, I respond equally bad or even worse, I hear things that hurt me, I say things that will hurt that people...and in the end I get so overwhelmed that all my rage and anger suddenly turns into tears and I have to be ridicularized for expressing feelings, making my strong mask fall....and it is really sad I have to keep using this mask with my family, continuously hurtig me, and they are so dumb to understand why I never show good feelings for them? like they show me any or start any converstation that is not meant to end up in an argument...so for not showing I love them, because I feel terrible hurt, they say I have no feelings.
It's sad, but at least I can come to my room, cry my heart out and let my tears dry on their own and remember why loneliness is better than being in the wrong company, even if that company is family.
After a while, when partially my anger is transformed into tears, I feel the pain diluted and I feel
much better.
Sad to acknowledge I only have myself, to find confort in myself, in a world that constantly hates me and tries to make me hate myself. But it's ok, because, I have me, I'll always have me, and if you are in a good company with yourself, yo can never feel alone.
I feel so pathetic...I keep torturing my mind thinking of you, where are you, what are you doing, and still, I deleted all the ways you could contact me, and I did so because you wouldn't, so I just deleted so I don't feel even worse about myself, waiting for that message that never came, and never would come.
I know, we are not meant to be, I know you'll never come back, I know you could care less about me, I know you never think of me, but still affter 2 years and half here I am getting tortured time and time again with thoughts of you...you are the first and last thought of the day, sometimes I even dream about you, and that you came back and made the impossible possible. It's exhausting, sad, tormentful, makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself, sometimes (lots of times), when I start thinking of you, and how I miss you I cry without even knowing if I am feeling sadness or it is just my rage and frustration being transformed into tears...I never said your name again to anyone, I'll never say your name again, to anyone, I will just carry on my life, pretending you never existed, while carrying you in my mind and in my heart like an heavy burden everywhere I go, wishing everyone I meet would be you or maybe wishing to get rid of this dark love spell, or curse, they say time heals everything, but it still hurts, it hurts everytime I think of you...if only it was possible to forget, I would be finally in peace...I don't know, sometimes I think if I had a car accident or some kind of accident that would simply wipe off my memories, I would like that...or like in that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", if I could just ask someone to erase you from my brain, I would do it.
But none of that is possible, and here I am, hiding my sadness from everyone, saying I got over you so I wouldn't look an obcessed crazy person with no self esteem, so I don't look weak....pretending I moved on, waiting that day after day the pain gets diluted until it disappears completely, waiting for the day this curse is broken, living as if we've never met, living as if nothing have ever happenned, living like I had no feeling for you.
So I am still waiting for you to die, not in your physical existence, but in my mind and in my heart, and I am so sick that you keep haunting me and the worst part is that I cannot even blame you.
One day, I hope I can mourn you, and never be bothered by your memories again...I never knew how can such happy things happen in your life only to tormet and destroy you later...happy memories can be really painful, so I am trying to murder my feelings for you, because I know if we don't kill love, love will kill us.
But right now, I'm still stuck somewhere between what if, what might, what could have and what never will and all I want to know is what actually is. Maybe I still love you because I never thought I could feel something so strong and real in my life, and in a world where everything is fake I can proudly say, my feelings were real, and my pain was real, this pain was the most real thing I could ever feel, altough I know it was just from my part.
I want you to be happy, but knowing I won't be part of that happiness makes me feel incredibly sad, also knowing if I ever end up with someone else and that won't be you, but I know I would secretly wish that person was you, makes me feel incredible sad. I used to want so many things in life, but after you crashing in my life, I would trade everything for you...or at least for the day I will be able to break the spell and stop crying over dead memories and imagining all the ifs, and all the lives we could end up living together. I do miss myself, when I didn't meet you yet, you still being my biggest blessing and my biggest curse.
Maybe one day, you'll go away.
"You locked up your heart
You wake up with tears and stars in your eyes
You gave it all to someone that
Cannot love you back
Your days are packed
With wishes and hopes for the love that you've got
You waste it all to someone that
Cannot love you back
You secretly made
Castles of sand that you hide in the shade
But you cannot hold the tides that break them
And you build them all over again
You talk all these words
You make conversations that cannot be heard
How long until you notice that
No one is answering back
Love, ain't this enough
You push yourself down
You try to take comfort in words
But words
They cannot love
Don't waste them like that
Cus they'll bruise you more"
"You're asking again I told you before
The beautiful smile hides the troubled soul
Sad faces influence so easily
I already have enough of that inside of me
So funny you're still around after all these years
Last week I went to Paris, for a 10 day trip alone.
It was my 4th trip abroad alone, and I am afraid it won't be the last, for the better and for the worse....I know that. Anywas before all my solo travels, I get a bit anxious and nervous and with less self confidence, I secretly wish I could have a travel friend but it just never happened....some make promises and plans that they break, others give up, sometimes the people who said they would join you are no longer your friends, we need time and money and both things are dificult to get, when you have one you lack of the other...but I decided long ago I can't wait no more for anything or anyone because people and situations change out of your control and I need to live my life and live the dreams I worked so hard to get and wished for too long. So regardless of dangers I decided to live out of fear and alone if I must, because waiting is regret and my life and my happiness are very precious things to delay and rely on other people. So whenever I dream out of making plans I don't fool around, I fulfill my primises to myself and others and I believe in me so I can live my dreams, now,today,tomorrow and ALWAYS!!!
So all those fears quickly disappeared and then finally vanished...everything about my trip went well, literally everything...I got a lot of apprehension because I have seen on TV and read on the newspapers and even in alternative media that Paris was on the verge of a civil unrest, with riots everywhere, robberies, violence, terrorism everywhere, explosive multiculturalism cauldron, refugees sleeping in tents on the street...and I saw any of that, I felt any of that (actually simply saw about 3 tents on the street totally abandoned...what was that? I don't know but it is not like it was in November, according to TV). I am very skeptical about everything I read, see on TV or internet or hear from people but still that fears really got an hold on me, and Paris is very cheap to travel right now because they lost a lot of tourists, because of the supposed attacks. But once again it was proven to me, never believe everything you are told, go see for yourself.
Also surprisingly to what I expected, contrary to what I have been told since ever....parisian people are super nice and polite even with my lame french and even when the security anti terrorism researching in my bag when I got inside anywhere,the bus drivers, it is just merci this merci that....au revoir ici au revoir là, smile here smile there, they ask for pardon everytime they slightly bump into me on the streets or seat in the seat in front of me in the metro...and maybe because I always take off disguise of tourist and pretend to be a local, confident fast walking, cigarrette, just pretending I know where I am going altough I am just walking randomly, I had tons of french people asking me where things are on the street and I actually turned out out to help because I had a map. I haven't met one rude person, not even one, unbelievable! More examples, when I was eating a quiche in the garden, an elderly sir passes by and says "Bonjour, bon appetit mademoiselle", or the lady that saw me getting out of metro in the morning I was on my way to leave Paris, trying to see where the bus station was, and she just looked at me and my bag and without me even noticing her or ask her anything she asks me if I want to get to the transfer to the airport and I said yes and she says "tout droit, tout droit!". Small things that mattered a lot to me! But my first reaction when I was getting in the centre of Paris was not good because when I was on the bus I saw a lot of rubbish on the highways and barracks where gypsies lived, besides of the ugly buildings of the suburbs that are said to have a lot of social problems.
But besides all of that, the centre Paris is like an open air museum,full of nice retro buildings and majestic monuments, chic stores, and lively cafes. But the big chic streets can also make you feel oppressed, because it is streets made for the rich, and rich don't walk on the street, they move inside smoked mirror cars, they live in luxurious appartments, they eat inside chic and expensive restaurants away from everyone who doesn't belong to the same social status as them...so lots of streets in Paris miss space for people to live and hang out, I didn't feel like most part of the town were made for people to enjoy being in, but instead seemed like streets were only meant for people to walk by to get to their metro, taxi or bus or workplace. I was really disappointed the fountains in the Trocadero garden, in front of the Eiffel tower were switched off, but what made me not enjoy Paris the way I thought I would was the pollution I felt in the air, the tap water that is full of calcareous and totally ruined my skin making it older and much drier, and the fact that I almost got sick for drinking from it, I really shouldn't, and my throat got really really dry. As if all this was not enough the colour of the river is grey/brown which totally ruins any landscape of any town because it looked like the sewage. Another negative points would be the amount of homeless everywhere, even though Paris has much less homeless and beggars than London, and of course the amount of rats (big big rats) I saw...2 of them appeared under the bench of a garden I was in enjoying my hot wine and another huge rat simply running in the metro when it saw me, got afraid and moved the way back sneaking in a door....I should have felt gross and all but actually those rats were kind of cute, they were more afraid of me than I was of them I noticed and they had that inocent looking face that ressembled me of Ratatouille. I heard that Montmatre, Pigalle and Place de Clichy were no go zones full of burglars, prostitutes, creepy guys and potential rapists...so I totally avoided it at night, but during day time I must say Montmatre is a beautiful place, very multicultural yes, but in a good healthy way, I wish I went there more often, particularly touched by an old man in a wheel chair with no hands knitting hand made bracelets and keychanes for 2 euros with an adorable smile in his face, I wish I could go back there and buy him more stuff, this person really touched my heart...Pigalle, and Place de Clichy are like the red district of Paris, where the Moulin Rouge cabaret is, where there is prostitution and tons of sex stores, I didn't like that place at all. Besides I decided I should walk and walk and walk until I see a bench or a garden to sit in which I only saw like after 1h30 walking, because once again, Paris, besides the cafes seems not to have space for people to enjoy the space and hang out. I found very little green areas as well, and very few trees on the street, which makes me wonder how hot and dry and smothering it must be during the summer. I was a bit disappointed about the Catacombs, because we can only see a small part of it, and it is always the same thing, just pilled bones everywhere (there is a church in Portugal with the chapel lined with heads of skulls much more spooky) , and the Versailles castle, that besides being huge you can only see a small part and it is almost completely empty because the things inside the mansion were stolen by peasants during the french revolution. Apart from that, Notre Dame chapel is magneficient, going up on the Eiffel tower is unmissable, doing a cruise in the Seine river is a great experience and it is cheap actually, and Louvre is way too big. Also I found Paris pretty affordable, for real. What I enjoyed the most about my trip was going to Disney, and this way I fullfilled a childhood dream, becase my parents never took me there...anywas, with 27 at least I could ride all the cool things,so it was a lot of fun, specially the other new park, the Walt Disney production studios, it was really a surprise.
But overall, I must conclude, Paris is like a very expensive and beautifil piece of art in a museum....good to look at for some short moments but soon you just get bored and realize there isn't much you can do with it. Ironically it ressembles to me a lot of beautiful people I have met....good to look at but with nothing interesting to say and no particular appeal to their presence...sooner or later you just get bored and have to leave the date...and I need more than beauty to fall for something or someone...being eye candy is not enough for me, and definitely a city to be great has to be more than just beautiful. Just another note, at a more personal level, we all have seen romantic movies about Paris and in Paris, and I saw some couples in love kissing and holding hands, I won't lie, I would like that, specially with the person I love and doesn't love me back, but just for a short moment I thought I got the chance to feel a bit of romance as well, when a good looking young french sees me taking pictures at the Notre Dame Cathedral from a bridge and starts talking to me out of the blue asking me to take pictures of him as well, he looked really nice and smart but I got a gut feeling he had something twisted about him, because this behaviour is not even very normal but he asked me for my number and I gave it to him, it didn't take too much time to understand that, that person was not very interested in romantic walks holding hands or romantic dinners or even get to know me, just another dude driven by lust impulses, trying to mask his luxuriance with a cute smile and friendly good looking face, he asked me if I was "celibataire", which means single, and I said yes, and he says what every single person says to me, like I am a circus freak, "how is that possible?"....well I could answer now, it is not my fault, I keep meeting assholes, assholes like you...Heaven please send me better, or send me nothing, stop messing up with me. Anyways his name is Antoine, or so he said so, and if you cross a bridge near Notre Dame, beware of him, I wouldn't be surprised he does this trick a lot to lonely female tourists. But still, I wonder about my soulmate whereabouts...so, one day,if we ever meet and if you are even real, I will be back there and we'll put our padlock here and the only thing I would regret is all the wasted previous years we lived without one and other.
AMAZING...if you still believe in what you see on TV you need to see this!so glad more people with real eyes and brain see this, we are living in a programmed lie brought to us by the media, getting affected by all this staged lies...war on terror is fake, our media is fake, what you perceive as the reality is fake...got it? it's a never ending attack, everything is a lie and that's a fact!
As I am going to Paris I decided I should watch a movie called "from Paris with love", I thought it was some kind of comedy but then realized it was just stupid action with guns and Hollywood shit (literally!), it is indeed TV programming, made to program you to fear muslims like if all of them were stupid suicide bombers who have nothing better to do with their lives than blowing themselves up, of course the pakistian are meant to be the bad guys and the chinese the drug dealers, the french passive/agressive and the americans the heroes who save the day from terrorism...honestly one of the worst shit I have ever seen in my life...puff but indeed it programs people by fear without making them realize who started all this fake on terror and invaded peaceful countries and killed tons of innocent people. Something to think about...Hollyweird movies are really biased and shitty, I will just go back to indie european movies...less special effects and celebrities true but bigger and better message.1h40 of my life totally wasted!
2016 was a very good year for me in general, nothing really bad happened to me, and I made several dreams come true, like going to London, Oxford and Cambridge and learn italian and see the portuguese national team win the Euro Championship, had a real good time overall, awesome meals, fantastic movies and books, still have my closed family with me, and I do love them despite it is difficult to be with them sometimes, I got a new job and saved money for new travels that will happen in 2017, I made some new friends and lost some old ones, some people disappointed me but I am glad to know who they really are and letting them go, other people neglected my friendship and lost me, and when you lose me, you lose me for good. Anyways I feel like I am an even stronger person than I was before because I still don't mind what other people say or think, I have my own thing, speak my mind and follow my plans. I know 2017 I will still be improving myself and my life in general, and I hope I still be caring less and less and less about stupid people who I consider now totally unworthy of meeting me. For everyone that still deserves my respect and friendship, I'll see you in 2017. Happy New Year!
The Hero of Hacksaw Ridge was absolutely one of the best movies I ever seen, and best part is that it was inspired in a real story of a very very good person called Desmond Doss. I am a real anti-war, anti-army convicted and I do believe the lord wars take advantage on the good will of the youth to make them go to war, hating people they never met and never knew just because of political propaganda and nationalism. If you do some research you will get that Pear Harbour was an inside job, the US troops pretended to be attacked by the japanese to have a pretext to go to war with them, and the japaneses were only trying to fight in their own invaded country...so sad to see 70 years later sheeple continue to buy this shit, even after the invasion of Iraq in 2003, based on lies and only political propaganda covered by the main stream media and now they are falling for the Isis hoax again. No war is worth it or needed to fight for, and if you see the movie you will have a glimpse of what war is like. And the fact someone so good spirited like Desdmond Doss existed is without doubt very very inspiring.
Whatever haters may say, I definitely think the fact Portugal (my country) won the Euro Championship for the first time ever was the best time of the year, and one of the best days of my life, including the day after when I went to welcome our team back. We are so used to others winning everything and then watch their party while dealing with defeat that we are not used to win, so when we actually won I did not believe it, and still now it is weird to know we did, I still barelly can believe it.
And rememebr WE will be champions of Europe until 2020 at least. :)
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!
I met you in the christmas eve, two years ago, and I remember telling you that you were the best christmas present ever, I remember you saying how lucky you were to meet me, and how it now sounds like pitty lies, I remember seeing the dawn of the day with you in an empty christmas market, but most of all I remember how strange it was to find what I was longing for and imagining in m mind without even being looking for, because I never thought you were real or even if our paths crossed, but I dreamed about you 25 years before I met you, and I know it was you, because I felt it with every sense of my being, I felt something I never did for nothing or anyone, and all it took was to look at you, they say love is around the corner, and indeed on a corner I met you waiting, gazing out in space when I shooked you from the coma to ask you about a place called "lost in translation" just to talk to you... and so last christmas I saw you one last time and for the last time, I know it meant peanuts to you, but you were the worst best present I ever had...once bitten and twice shy I keep my distance but you still catch my eye, tell me, babe, do you recognize me?Well,it's been a year,it doesn't surprise me.I remember that note saying, "I love you," I really meant it, now I know what a fool I've been, this year to save me from tears I wish you die in my mind and my heart once and for all. So every christmas from the day I saw you until I live I will always have this mix feeling of love and hate for Christmas, because it was an incredible blessing to meet you but a very painful curse to lose you. But last christmas was really the last christmas, and my mind still plays the last 2 christmas in my head over and over and over again, and I love you and I hate you for that.
They say I need to move on and forget, but I'm afraid I'll love you forever, even if we're never going to be together, because I was in love with you even before I met you for real.
Well, well, well, Saturnalia, the real root of Christmas that is nothing but a pagan tradition when back then the god saturn was worshipped and they did so by doing human sacrifices,having orgies, and getting drunk and eating tons of food. This has nothing to do with Christ, and Christmas is not even mentioned in the bible
Well well well I knew this attack on "fake news" would certainly bring new hoaxes and false flags....and nothing but a dosis of fear mongering by the fear porn of main stream media....when you wake up from the matrix you really start wondering if everything tv tells you is truth....anyways seems to me the lack of realism and graphic pictures and videos of the last days supposed terrorist attacks that all this is just some hoaxes with media coverage to make you think what the agenda wants to make you believe....by planting fake terrorists attacks they are on their way to make the public support a direct invasion of Syria (because indirectly our governments sold weapons and trained Isis by the way) and of course they want us to blame Russia and Islam (to start a war you need a common enemy)....so the elite creates the problem, which causes a reaction (our anger) and they have the solution (more war)...wake up sleepy heads! It is the masonic moto "order out of chaos". Of course I am talking about the last supposed terror attack in Germany...you see, 2016 was just another year of staged hoaxes false flags psyops...we had the most blatant hoax ever of the Orlando Pulse fake shooting and the Nice attacks also with a bus, the Frankfurt shooting, many other more and now the "killing" of russian ambassador and now this shit! Seriously I had any evidence ZERO of this being true,zero blood, zero victim names, zero dead bodies, zero CCTV footage, this time they did not even bothered to hire crisis actors like with the Pulse shooting or use fake blood and dummies like in the low resolution photos of Nice.And why the hell does the terrorists always carry their passports and IDs around? sometimes it is so convenient that it seems like...they were planted there! Seriously what the world we live in that Game of Thrones and horror movies are more graphic and appear to be more realistic than this fake news covered by this fake media corporations (aka mainstream media)? no wonder they want to ban alternative media from the internet...people don't buy this shit anymore. Ridiculous! You tell me you believe this and other stories because you saw on TV or read in a newspaper? get a fucking clue!
If you don't believe that nowadays still lots of things we see on TV are simply hoaxes, staged events with media coverages or even false flags, see this video:´
