segunda-feira, 17 de abril de 2017

in love,in fear, in hate, in tears

Sometimes people (family specially) argue with me, and I always try to seem strong, I argue back, sometimes I scream, I respond equally bad or even worse, I hear things that hurt me, I say things that will hurt that people...and in the end I get so overwhelmed that all my rage and anger suddenly turns into tears and I have to be ridicularized  for expressing feelings, making my strong mask fall....and it is really sad I have to keep using this mask with my family, continuously hurtig me, and they are so dumb to understand why I never show good feelings for them? like they show me any or start any converstation that is not meant to end up in an for not showing I love them, because I feel terrible hurt, they say I have no feelings.
It's sad, but at least I can come to my room, cry my heart out and let my tears dry on their own and remember why loneliness is better than being in the wrong company, even if that company is family.
After a while, when partially my anger is transformed into tears, I feel the pain diluted and I feel
much better.
Sad to acknowledge I only have myself, to find confort in myself, in a world that constantly hates me and tries to make me hate myself. But it's ok, because, I have me, I'll always have me, and if you are in a good company with yourself, yo can never feel alone.
I sing myself to sleep
A song from the darkest hour
Secrets I can't keep
In sight of the day
Swing from high to deep
Extremes of sweet and sour

My life is out of control
I believe this wave will bear my weight
So let it flow

Still waiting for you to die

I feel so pathetic...I keep torturing my mind thinking of you, where are you, what are you doing, and still, I deleted all the ways you could contact me, and I did so because you wouldn't, so I just deleted so I don't feel even worse about myself, waiting for that message that never came, and never would come.
I know, we are not meant to be, I know you'll never come back, I know you could care less about me, I know you never think of me, but still affter 2 years and half here I am getting tortured time and time again with thoughts of are the first and last thought of the day, sometimes I even dream about you, and that you came back and made the impossible possible. It's exhausting, sad, tormentful, makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself, sometimes (lots of times), when I start thinking of you, and how I miss you I cry without even knowing if I am feeling sadness or it is just my rage and frustration being transformed into tears...I never said your name again to anyone, I'll never say your name again, to anyone, I will just carry on my life, pretending you never existed, while carrying you in my mind and in my heart like an heavy burden everywhere I go, wishing everyone I meet would be you or maybe wishing to get rid of this dark love spell, or curse, they say time heals everything, but it still hurts, it hurts everytime I think of you...if only it was possible to forget, I would be finally in peace...I don't know, sometimes I think if I had a car accident or some kind of accident that would simply wipe off my memories, I would like that...or like in that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", if I could just ask someone to erase you from my brain, I would do it.

But none of that is possible, and here I am, hiding my sadness from everyone, saying I got over you so I wouldn't look an obcessed crazy person with no self esteem, so I don't look weak....pretending I moved on, waiting that day after day the pain gets diluted until it disappears completely, waiting for the day this curse is broken, living as if we've never met, living as if nothing have ever happenned, living like I had no feeling for you.
So I am still waiting for you to die, not in your physical existence, but in my mind and in my heart, and I am so sick that you keep haunting me and the worst part is that I cannot even blame you.
One day, I hope I can mourn you, and never be bothered by your memories again...I never knew how can such happy things happen in your life only to tormet and destroy you later...happy memories can be really painful, so I am trying to murder my feelings for you, because I know if we don't kill love, love will kill us.

But right now, I'm still stuck somewhere between what if, what might, what could have and what never will and all I want to know is what actually is. Maybe I still love you because I never thought I could feel something so strong and real in my life, and in a world where everything is fake I can proudly say, my feelings were real, and my pain was real, this pain was the most real thing I could ever feel, altough I know it was just from my part.
I want you to be happy, but knowing I won't be part of that happiness makes me feel incredibly sad, also knowing if I ever end up with someone else and that won't be you, but I know I would secretly wish that person was you, makes me feel incredible sad. I used to want so many things in life, but after you crashing in my life, I would trade everything for you...or at least for the day I will be able to break the spell and stop crying over dead memories and imagining all the ifs, and all the lives we could end up living together. I do miss myself, when I didn't meet you yet, you still being my biggest blessing and my biggest curse.
Maybe one day, you'll go away.
"You locked up your heart
You wake up with tears and stars in your eyes
You gave it all to someone that
Cannot love you back

Your days are packed
With wishes and hopes for the love that you've got
You waste it all to someone that
Cannot love you back

You secretly made
Castles of sand that you hide in the shade
But you cannot hold the tides that break them
And you build them all over again

You talk all these words
You make conversations that cannot be heard
How long until you notice that
No one is answering back

Love, ain't this enough
You push yourself down
You try to take comfort in words
But words
They cannot love
Don't waste them like that
Cus they'll bruise you more"

"You're asking again I told you before
The beautiful smile hides the troubled soul
Sad faces influence so easily
I already have enough of that inside of me 
So funny you're still around after all these years
Ran away so many times, always ended up here
Could not ask for a thing from you
All you gave me I afforded to loose 
You see... 
It's all too sad for me...
It's too hard for me... to believe 
It's too painful for me
It's so hard for me... to give 
I make lies all day to keep the pain away
God knows my sins are already too big to pay 
Even the tears I forget the taste
Maybe I should try to lick them off your face
And though I do try the best that I can
You had to be me to understand
It's all too sad for me...
It's too hard for me... to believe
It's too painful for me
It's so hard for me... to give 
Smile On
Hang On"