And how was my b'day? well it was a kind of another bad day actually, but I'm not hurt, sad or resentful because I chose to celebrate it alone...again.
Well this is my 2nd birthday that I spent all on my own, last year I did the same (http://celta-myuniverse.blogspot.com/2010/11/unhappy-birthday.html).
I say that I chose spending my day like this because I had my parents, sister, uncle and grandmother and grandfather to celebrate it with but I decided I was better off my own, alone, thinking and dealing alone with my existential problems.
I don't really know exactly why I decided to be all alone again, I don't know really, sometimes I think I'm letting this whole thing about being a misanthropist way too far, I don't know if that's because I like the feeling of power of being alone in such an important day so I can tell myself: "see, you don't need anyone...the other's just mess up with your head and make you feel worse about yourself, if they don't do that their just being cynicals" or if I like to show the other's they don't matter to me and I don't need them or if it's because I like to feel as an even more unhappy person than I'm already or even if I like to make the other people that say they like me (as family) to suffer showing them that I just don't care about them and they're not important to me (even that not being true) or if I'm just addicted and resigned to my loneliness.
I'm the first person saying that I can't understand my messy personality. Nevertheless I feel atacked and mistretaed by everyone all the time and if they're not being mean to me that's because they're fake and soon they'll show it, or they're just being nice because they don't really know me, once they get the chance to know me they won't like myself as I am, anyway I don't pretend being someone else because I rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.
I know, I know sometimes I could slow down a bit and not be so straightforward, ironic, sarcastic, a bit agresive in a way I say things, but my worst flaw and my strongest defense is being trustless. I don't let anyone approach to me, I mean as what we can call friend, I can be nice and polite but not a friend...to be a friend I really need to trust that persons...and it's quite difficult once I've being so disappointed about the persons I used to call friends.
I made a real simple test to put those friendships to a test: I'll just vanish, I will stop texting them, calling them, putting loser likes on their lousy facebook stuff, and talk to them through a damn computer. I quit inviting them to go out because they almost never go, and wait I'll wait until someone of those so called "friends" give me a call and say something, invite me to go out...the kind of stuff friends do.
And I waited, and waited, and waited...for you to realize how stupid this is I got several text messages in my cell phone and I don't know who sent it because I switched my cell phone 4 months ago but my number remained the same...during that 4 months I didn't get a call from those persons...and all the sudden I got "happy birthday messages" wishing me a great day! So I must conclude they are meaningless no?
But there's even more, I decided to make this test and never invite no one to do something, but got no invitations to the cinema so I still going alone (by the way this year I was the only person in the whole cinema watching the black swan movie...how creepy), I go out like to museums, walk in turistic hot spots, relax in coffees, doing hikes, go shopping to the mall, hold still: I go to manifestations alone...and of course sometimes I have to go alone to concerts and music festivals. You might say that people don't have money to do some stuff, but that's such a lousy excuse...you don't simply hang out with your friend because you son't have money? But sometimes we not even need money to do cool stuffs, for example, this year Joss Stone did an amazing free show in Lisbon, it was totally free and I went all by myself on summertime, when all exams were over and there's not the excuse of "I got to study". I didn't tell anyone I was going, but put videos of Joss Stone in my facebook saying: "it's tomorrow" (see how loser?) so I went alone and the next day I checked my "friend's" facebooks and they saw that they went there with other friends and took pictures. In a recent concert I went, I found there what I call a "I thought it was a friend" and said him "Hi", he was very surprised to see me although then he said "ohhhh I already knew that you were coming you said it on your facebook. Are you alone?Yes? Oh ok nice to see you". -.-
And several people did this to me and much worse, but let's stop here.
I think that if you don't remind other people all the time that you're alive they just assume your dead.
I decided not to disturb anyone or annoy them, if they are important to me and I'm important for them they'll let me know about that...guess what? they didn't.
But that's ok I rather be alone than with fake persons. And being alone made me spend more time reading, seeing documentaries and getting informed and even write this loser stuff on my blogue (LOL)...the point is that I accomplished a level of culture and information that makes me stay bored and annoyed to be next to people who simply don't have interessant themes of converstations, I got a bit snippy and just decided I would not hang out with idiots any longer. So I rather write on my blogue, getting (almost) no comments but lots and lots of visits worldwide. I guess it's a kind of comfort because I'm making imaginary friends (which are my visitors) but this time they're real. And that's a real loser thing I know but I don't care, more loser is persons that think they can mantain my friendship and respect hanging out through social networks.
All my life I felt understimated by the others but now I have the reverse problem I overstimate me, the way I found out to do that is simply assume that everyone else is idiot and put their opinions, their jokes and the thought "what should they think about myself?", to a trash level. They don't matter anything to me and I want to make sure they got the message right.
I'm tired of always listen that I'm a weirdo,a freak, that a have serious issues, that I'm not normal, that I'm strange so sometimes I felt I have to pretend being a normal person like them. But now I decided just to be myself and I'm proud of it because other people have being showing me how dumb/ stupid and fake they can be...I like spending time with myself even because I don't argue with myself or make myself cry and get myself out of my nerves.
Yes I'm an outsider and that's my confort zone.
So yesterday I let my cell phone at home for not be disturbed with fake messages of happiness and telling me to have a great day ('cause it's impossible alone). I just went to the Navy museum, walked in a touristic zone of Lisbon: Belém, sat by the river catching some sun and writing, watching people looking at me as a freak (and they don't even knew I was "celebrating" my birthday), I ate one of my favourite cakes: custards of Belém, went to the cinema and had a vegetarian dinner at night by the river alone sometimes listenning to myself "how fail was all that", I came back home and went to sleep...it was it. A normal day when I go out with myself...but this time was a bit strange I couldn't enjoy myself...it was boring!
But at spending my birthday alone I had a quite peaceful day, I not even cried, I couldn't feel depressed or sad about it but I couldn't feel happy too, I was spending the time wishing that comes to an end, it's over I'm older and it's just that.
But sorry I can't stand the phrase: "have a fantastic day 'cause you deserve it, I like you a lot!".
I would like to have a great day but I have no friends to have fun and with my family I have my stressed father and sister getting out of my nerves, and if it's to go to a restaurant I have to see them eating meat (I don't eat meat since I was 12!), and even worse they like to eat baby meat as piglets, calves, baby cows, nanny-goats...and I have to watch or pretend I don't watch and don't care about all that horror scene in front of me, I simply have to pretend I respect them for being such a...what I can call this? bloody predators!?
And like most part of restaurants don't have vegetarian food I would have to eat fish or just rice and salad...
And my family takes a long time to move, in my grandma's birthday we had lunch at 3 p.m!
No I didn't want to watch them eat meat, and have to eat fish, I didn't want to deal with their stresses and I wasn't quite sure they wanted to celebrate anything 'cause my father blames me for his boring life like: "I refused job opportunities abroad 'cause of you", "when I got married and had kids I just couldn't go to cinema anymore, or read anything besides newspapers, I never travelled anymore...my will to live disappeared...". Well c'mon I must feel glad to have born and wish spend that day with my family? I guess not...besides that when I turned 15th nobody besides grandparents and sister said me happy birthday, my parents simply ignored me...and now they say that they regret...anyway I don't forget and I wasn't willing to take the risk to stay depressive at home regretting my acidental birth, ok?
One thing is sure, 3 years ago I tried to make a birthday party and almost no one wanted to attend it so I canceled it, then I promised to myself I wouldn't go to other's birthday parties and that's clear!
So that's it I have my lost self steem back and I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be , I cannot be super happy for my life but I accomplished a lot of stuff even alone and saw several times my favourite bands so I just won't feel sad any longer because someone made me feel sad and useless.
With all my flaws and frustrations I learnt to respect and like myself, I have a perspective of a future (and it's in peace and alone, I simply decided not to let my happines in other's hands), I discovered lots of qualities in me like I can be a very clever, peaceful, human person I gave myself value and I'm stronger.
So here I go on my own, I don't need nobody I'm bettter off alone.
Celta
Sem comentários:
Enviar um comentário