sorrow, you took away tomorrow

Sorrow found me when I was young
Sorrow waited, sorrow won

it's always the best moment of the day

I love sleeping, it's just like death, but without the commitment

My New Year Resolution

This is my new year's resolution, I will make ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT to keep people in my life, it doesn't matter if it is a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague from work or university, an ex colleague from school, old crushes, new flames, even people I liked to meet, living nearby or far away or even members of my own family, I will do NOTHING to make you still remember me, if you don't talk to me or invite me to go out, don't expect me to do so because I won't, if you don't care or pretend you don't or are waiting for me to care first, forget it I won't. I don't care if we never talk again or see each other again, my goal is to dettach emotionally from all, because attachment is the root of all suffering. I know lots of people stayed for sure in 2015 I'll see who stills with me by the end of this year, if no one, I will keep improving myself and follow my own goals anyways.

About today

It's a brand new year and yet I am feeling down and depressed, crying rivers of tears and still I cannot soothe my pain, it's an old one, I just should have been used to it already, but still I am here writting this nonesenses to the whole internet and world to know how pathetic I am for feeling sorry for myself, I wish the person I dedicate this could read but I am afraid that won't happen.
I guess 2015 was a good year for me, I really liked it. So thinking it is over now makes me feel depressed, maybe I think that nothing better than last year will turn to be real, or I think about all the persons I lost in 2015 and other years and the persons I am about to lose in the coming years, or the older I am getting, or my stressful exams coming up, or maybe all the good things I wished for in the beggining of 2015 and some really came true make me as well feeel depressed because all those good times are now just memories, nothing more than memories, people say you have to hope for the future but I am so sick of it because I know when I get to the future all will be past again and all will be blurred memories. Deep down, I did not want to leave 2015 at all. But one thought was constant all night...you,you,you, only thoughts of you J.
At the end of 2014 I found by chance one of the few persons that I looked at as magic, I even believed when you said how lucky you felt to meet me. So, I started 2015 with that person, and ever since that day I've been obcessed and obstinate with this person, it has been more than an year and my mind keeps torturing me with thoughts os this person, it gives me no peace of mind, I can't speak about this person without crying and all my thoughts of this person leads to crying as well. It's been more than an year like this, running after someone who runs away from me, wishing I could get a real chance, just one more day with that person, just one last conversation, just trying to convince that person to look at me the same way as I look at you or at least let me be around so my mood can be lightened up by your existence. and so it goes, endlessly. I've cried more for this heartbreak than when people from family died, and I feel ashamed for it, but maybe that's because when someone dies, you have to accept that it's over and my situation right now is I really don't know if it's over, and I think I don't want it to be, that is why I kept trying, and trying and trying until I had no dignity or pride, but the door is always closed, as usual, I keep knocking, silly me.
So that person did not want to start 2016 with me, I tried to pretend I was fine and go out and drink and all but all my thoughts and talks lead to that person, it's exhausting, I had people around with me, and I felt frustrated for none of them being the one I wanted to be with, some people approached me, were nice to me and tried to talk to me, but I felt even worse and more frustrated, thinking of the last New Years Eve when that person was with me, now I was walking the same very streets and all I saw in my head were glimpses from last year...you were not there now, then just picturing in my mind where would you be, doing what, with who, I was searching in every stranger's face for you and it was very disappointing...basically, could not enjoy the night. because of happy memories from last year.
Isn't it ironic and stupid to feel depressed for having been so happy? That's totally my mood now and I don't know what it's worse, if have nothing real good to rememeber or having real good memories to rememeber and feel this nostalgic and melancholic.
I felt genuinelly jealous of all those persons holding hands and hugging and kissing, but for more opportunities I might have had to have that on that night I sabotaged them all, I just don't want someone, I want that one, J is the only one I can stand, the only one I don't loathe, the only one I am ok that touches me, so many times I tried to give opportunities to meet other persons but nothing evolved, it's tiring and dishonest for me and the other persons looking at them and being disappointed for them not being who I wanted them to be, and this also happens with friends, so many times I am with friends and wish I could trade them all for J.
Before I delete your number and other ways of contact so many times I felt disappointed when I was so excited to see who text messaged me and it wasn't you....never happened to me before, being continuosuly disappointed for that not being your messages, those people's faces not being yours...and this is just painfully wrong.
I guess I just have myself to blame, you made it clear and moved ahead, no more fake promises, it's me that stills chasing the ghost of you even tough you are gone from my life, this makes me hate myself and I have never been this weak and blind I am afraid.
You know when I am sad or happy or bored I think about you, how many times I have revisited the way we met and the times we were together, every place I am, when I am down "I wish you were", when I am happy "I wish you were here", when I am travelling "I wish you were here", you are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep,, and even during my sleep sometimes you're there too. I have imagined tons of situations that we are together, just daydreaming in my mind, and sometimes it gets confused because I not even know what memories are real or fake, imagined or experienced. Secretly, I just don't want to get over you or substitute you, I am always running after something impossible and that rejects me, while as a revenge I keep putting everyone aside and rejecting everyone, I'll tell you a secret, I do it mercilless, and never feel bad about it, actually it gives me the ilusion I am strong and don't need anyone, I keep refusing giving chances to other persons...the same chances I craved to you, and so it's life.
I still don't know how or why I liked you and still like you, I hope this ends someday because it's driving me mad, you appear in my day dreams and also at my dreams at night, and you have no idea how it feels like.
Maybe this is all a karma for joking with the weak people that fall in love, I used to make fun of them, but now I see there is no fun in this for as much stupid as a situation can be...love is ridiculous I always knew I just wasn't expecting to get this depressed and sad because you are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart. It's a new level of mixed feelings I have never experienced, I know I have to let you go, you are gone already, but I just don't want to.
A nice smiling boy approaches me because I was alone waiting to get home and says I look so sad and it's New Year's day! I say, the night was boring, one of the worst new Year's eve of my life and I should not get out of home (altough I know if I did I would be crying all day), he says "not that bad, I wouldn't meet you!", cheesy line or true statement I don't know...maybe this could be the start of something new, a sign from the Universe to move on? I say I have a boyfriend, his name is J. As the stranger walks away I keep thinking...as only if...u were J.
My wish for 2015 was to be with you, I was forced to ask to forget you in 2016. I just don't know how.

"J. I am in trouble can't get these thoughts out of me
It takes a lot of pain to pick me up, it takes a lot of rain in the cup
Baby you gave me bad ideas, baby you left me sad and high"

Will I ever be able to say goodbye to you, J?

one year more, one year less

this year, this time

I've learnt a lot this year, I've learnt tat things don't always turn out the way I planned or I wished for, or the way I think they should. I've leant that there are things that will go wrong no matter how hard I try to fix them or put it back together the way they were before, I've learnt that broken stay broken and the best way to heal yourself is try to forget about it. So this year for me I want it to be the year I can finally emotionally dettach from everybody that belongs to my past and forget who forgot me

merry xmas

simply because this is one of the most brutal videos,like, ever!
Wars can be over, if we want to!
May the next year be the year people stop believing in government's false propaganda to start wars!

Happy b'day Jesus

God Horus was born in 3000 BC, egyptian God of the Sun, the Earth, and the moon, born from the goddess Isis without any sexual involvement, his birthday is celebrated at 25th December, eastern star led three wise men to him when he was born, he was taken to Egypt to escape the wrath of Typhon, resuscitated one guy named El-AZAR-US, one of this God titles is "Krst" or "Karast", he fighted during 40 days in the desert against the temptations of Set (evil divinity compared to Satan), he was baptized in water by Anup the baptizer at the age of 30, he performed miracles and walked on water, he had 12 disciples, the representation of this God is a cross, the trinity is Atom (father), Horus (son) and Ra (compared to the Holly Spirit), he was crucified, buried in a tomb and resurrected, Jesus Christ is plagiarism of this pagan God and other pagan Gods. The 24th/25th of December is the pagan celebration of the winter solstice. Happy birthday Horus, I mean Jesus!

Merry Christmas

Because nothing says I love you like cheap crap made in China by slave labor, sold by a company, owned by billionaires benefiting by corporate welfare, paying slave wages to employees. Three cheers for this very pagan/christian, capitalist event of the year, watch out the diabetes, merry christmas everyone! :):):)

secret meeting

I had a secret meeting with you in the basement of my brain because I missed you, and in my mind we keep meeting each other for the first time, time and time again.

Because of you

because love is the only thing that can save us from the horror of our existence, and that is all the essence and magic of falling in love, and even if it never comes to realize or hasn't an happy ending or not even a start never regret it, even when it hurts, because deep down it coloured your life. Anyways knowing that you are part of the world made it a little more beautiful, unfortunatelly I am not part of your world but to me you were one of the most beautiful things I saw on it.

It's a matter of trust

Don't depend too much on anyone in this world. Even your shadow leaves you when you're in darkness 

Farewell grandpa

So altough I want to make this blog anonymous, I also want everybody to know who this amazing guy in the picture was, may he never been forgotten. 
I think in the picture you can say how kind, gentle, unique and good he was....it is true, he was that and much much more. His name was Manuel and he was one of my grandfathers, the last one alive.
His story started in 9-10-1926 and ended in 30-10-2015, he lived 89 years and 20 full days, he had a full joyfull life spreading lots of love and caring and getting it in return, he died yesterday in the same hospital me and my sister were born, and where my father was cured from a cancer and my mum from an heart problem, even tough he was old the doctors and nurses took great care of him and he lasted 26 days struggling for his life from a pneumonia in the hospital, his death was painless and during sleep, he did not feel a thing because he was given morphine, today was his funeral, this letter will be directed to him as if he was alive or as he could hear me (maybe he can, who knows?).

Grandpa you ceased to exist 2 days ago, and you will never come back to this world, but I wanted you to know that will keep being alive in my mind and memories until me too leave this world for good.
I regret not having visited you on your last week of life in the hospital, I remember with bitterness the fact you died in the day I was going to visit you, I just wanted to see your eyes again, hearing your voice again, kissing your  forehead and cheek again, hugging you again, one last time and never let that moment go. 
You were in pain and slowly dettaching from life and we know you had to go, sometimes is better to let go and to hold on, and at least now you don't feel any more pain.
Altough we were all prepared for your departure and considering you had a full and happy life and I consider it was more than fair, it hurts, and it hurts like hell thinking now you're just a memory.
You had a disease that has taken you away from us many years before, you had alzheimer, and so you kept mixing the past with the present and mixing who you were with who you are, you were there with us but not there at the same time, sometimes you imagined you were a kid again, and I admit it did hurt the day you stop knowing me. But I still know you and I want to keep you in a special place in my heart and walk with you wherever I will go, wherever I will be.

You had a difficult childhood, you went alone from your little village to Lisbon alone when you were 14 years old to help your widower father to raise your 5 brothers and sisters, you slept on the street and sometimes even ate food remains you picked from the floor, you spent your life working and suffering but one day you met the love of your life and she was beautiful, and she also met you, she also loved you back, she was your one true love, your life companion and friend during more than 60 years, she took care of you until the very end she fulfilled her promise to you, she took care of you even when you stop knowing her, she loved you for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, she loved and cherished you until death took you apart. How many people are lucky enough to find a love like that? How many people will have the enormous luck to be loved back like that? How many people will be this lucky to find the love of their lives and be in love for so may years? You were a lucky one grandpa. Also you had two amazing sons that never ever stopped helping you and always fullfilled with their moral obligations as sons, helping you walking when you stopped walking, feeding you when you stop feeding yourself, for you were their support when they were young and they repaid what you did to them, because in the beggining you also taught them to walk and to eat and protected them.
You worked your whole life so your kids could live well and take college degrees when you barely could read. You were a hero. 
I was so lucky for having you as my grandpa and for this so many years, thank you for teaching me how to ride a bike, thank you for telling me your stories, thank you for your love, atention and care.
Today was your funeral and there were lots of people, some of them you not even knew, you really touched a lot of people's hearts, and many people cried for saying goodbye to you. 
I just want to tell you that in my mind, you'll never be dead.Thanks for having existed and being present in my life, I love you grandpa, and love, it never dies.

P.S: don't worry we will look after grandma.

So long, with much love and appreciation from your grand daughter.
Rest in Peace

Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Love is a losing game

"the good are never easy, the easy never good, and love it never happens like you think it really should.Deception and perfection are wonderful traits, one will breed love, the other hate.You'll find me in the lonely hearts under 'I'm after a brand new start' but we cannot escape the past so you and I will never last"

love is the deepest colour in my heart that burns in sorrow

So I wrote a love letter (really old school, romantic, emotional) to someone I am in love with for almost an year. I gave him in hands a month ago he said he would think about it and see how he really feels, needless to say I am still waiting for the answer...but getting no answer is also a answer.

It really hurts when you develop such wonderful feelings for someone, when that someone completelly settles in your heart, mind and soul, when it is like that someone brought magic to your life, the connection you made seemed so strong and real, you imagined all the places you could go with that person, everywhere you are you whish that person would be there with you, you wish everyone you are with would be that person, the world seems to stop and everything is all right when that person is near. It is the first person you think of when you wake up and the last you think when you fall asleep.
When that person is not around you feel empty and break into tears, you try to find someone else but you can't substitute someone who you are this crazy in love with, it frustrates you someone else not being THAT someone.
When someone you felt this strong with rejects you and ignores you you really have a breakdown, you realize none of your day dreams will come true, it was all in your imagination altough the feelings were true and strong. You wish with all your forces that someone looked at you the same way, you refuse to let it go, you want nobody else, and the only way to cope with this sadness is cry your eyes out, you know someday not for away you will be healed but while it lasts it hurts, it hurts like hell. Sometimes we just fall in the idea of being in love, sometimes it is all an ilusion of what we want that person to be, what we imagined.
Either ways this was not the first time I fell in love, and once again lead me to a dead end, the thing is this time I really spoke my heart out, that person knows about it, which means I am improving at least. This is a much darker and sadder kind of love. It’s the love one feels when one loves someone he or she can never and will never have.It’s the kind of love that doesn’t signal the beginning of something beautiful, but rather the end of something that might have been beautiful, but will never amount to anything more than what it is.You wait in hopes that new love can take the place of the old — which it probably can in theory. But that doesn’t mean you will ever stop loving that person. Some people will love each other or only love someone without being loved back until the day they die, spending the majority of their lives apart. And so is the darker side of love.

Truth is I never wanted to get over you or let you go but I know it's over and it never really began but in my heart it was so real!

Love is natural and real but not for such as you and I

"Don't love deeply, till you make sure that the other part loves you with the same depth, because the depth of your love today is the depth of your sorrow tomorrow"