"Love is always bestowed as a gift- freely, willingly and without expectation . We don't love to be loved, we love to love" Leo BuscagliaWell, who would have said that we actually would start talking again? Not like it used to be of course, but you actually were the one breaking a full one year of silence, breaking the ice, and so I followed you and melted almost all the ice left, because it still is a giant ice wall between us and a great distance as well, not just the geographical distance, besides the 2 years and almost 4 months we do not see each other. But you inspire me to write, and I think I should also start writing when I am happy or at least content, so here it is.
Today I read the giant love letter I sent to you years ago and made a copy of because not trying to sound narcisistic, it was one of the most intimate, beautiful, sincere things I've written, and it came straight from my heart, so beautiful that it made me cry, so extra sentimental and mushy...and little have changed ever since, but I find it so cute and romantic I actually wrote someone a love letter, in this modern times it is something outdated, and for me it only makes it more special, I wrote you the letter I wish someone have written to me, and needless to say, even though you probably never read my blogue most of my posts are about you.
One part of the letter said this:
"People naturally drift apart, you can still value the times you did have with your friend, even though they don't continue in your life, but they still be with you, trapped somewhere in your memories, but that's what life is, an endless sucession of people saying goodbye, with some you cry, with some you laugh, with some you learn, with some you love with others hate. But I do feel lucky for having the chance to meet you and I mean this for real. So thank you so much for showing up"
I miss you like hell, no denying that, did not tell you, as I won't tell you directly I am still in love with you, like no time has passed, and although we were disconnected and afraid will carry on after a small chat, I never disconnected telepathically and emotionally from you, in fact, I end up dreaming with you and about you several times, usually in my dream, you always leave, but I guess that's our fate. Also they say, in dreams we are showned wishes and fears by our subconscious, and my biggest wish is having you back and my biggest fear to lose you, but I don't have you, and never really had so what exactly am I afraid of?
Maybe the fear of being forgotten, and, surprisingly or not, you didn't.
I made you a favour and still hold up to my word, will hold on it forever, like I always do, I never break promises and always keep my word even when people fail me (that's what scorpios do), you say you will be back someday for visit, I wish so, but would wish even more if you stayed or take me with you, but not asking you that, or telling you that, just thinking out loud and wishing, dreaming is free.
But there's something about you that turns my world around, it always did, for me disconnecting from so many people from the past was relatively easy and I overcame it all the time without even blinking or looking back, it left some scars, won't lie, but I understood the fact those people were not meant to keep in my life and just place them in a little department of my brain called "past", but not you! I'm still waiting for the day I could snap out of this and 3 years and something after I'm still trapped in this love spell (or should I say curse?). Never told you because it might sound crazy, desperate, clingy, insane, but I still feel the same as I felt for you since day one, nothing changed, I just feel even though you ignore me for so long I felt such a deep and powerful connection I could not feel with anyone else ever, and that's what makes you so damn special. Also, you never forget the first person you ever loved (and until now the only one), but if you want to know more secrets, I can tell you, you were never a stranger to me, like I feel I have always known you, I really do, so much so that the first time I saw you something clicked and I literally thought "so there you are", basically you were the person I've always dreamed of throughout my life, everything about you was how imagined, your looks, your voice, your smile, your laughter, your mind, your weirdomness, your mysterious attitude and your hidden sensitiveness like mine, and the Universe moved you to me, I'm sure, but it also moved you away maybe because I myself, even deny to myself an happy ending, like I don't deserve such a thing, or a love to be really felt can't be really lived. But you never really drifted apart, because you were always in my mind, even before we met.
Some metaphysical theories could even say this "deja vu" is a sign we have met in other life, and who knows maybe, and meeting you again is part of our karma, or my karma, maybe I neglected you back then and have to feel your negligence now, whatever it is one thing I am sure of, you taught me what is like to love someone else simply because you exist, but you taught me so well I could never do it to anyone else (at a romantic level, there are diferente kinds of love), and if I could pick someone to love, I would pick you up time and time again, in this life and others to come, you should be mine, 'cause I'm yours.
My best way to deal with this was stopping hating myself for not stop loving you, I understood it is a lost battle, because I loved you way before I've met you in flesh, I've always loved you even way back before I've met you, I've dreamed about you for 25 years before I met you,so I cannot unlove you in the future, but I can live with this in an healthy way now that I realized love is something you give, not something you get.
Hope I'll see you in the future when we're older, and we are full of stories to be told, trust the Universe and whatever is meant to be, it will be.