terça-feira, 24 de abril de 2018

Stars and empty space

" You are as deep as I am in the Universe, for the constellations in your eyes have no boundaries, your soul, which moves your hands and squints your eyes, was made up of fallen stars and burnt out suns, and your mind, which like no other will, is forever connected to mine through silent words, and screaming galaxies."

(slightly adapted by a poem made by Rubi Sandoval, I read while roaming on the internet) 

domingo, 15 de abril de 2018

A blast from the past

"Love is always bestowed as a gift- freely, willingly and without expectation . We don't love to be loved, we love to love" Leo Buscaglia

Well, who would have said that we actually would start talking again? Not like it used to be of course, but you actually were the one breaking a full one year of silence, breaking the ice, and so I followed you and melted almost all the ice left, because it still is a giant ice wall between us and a great distance as well, not just the geographical distance, besides the 2 years and almost 4 months we do not see each other. But you inspire me to write, and I think I should also start writing when I am happy or at least content, so here it is.
Today I read the giant love letter I sent to you years ago and made a copy of because not trying to sound narcisistic, it was one of the most intimate, beautiful, sincere things I've written, and it came straight from my heart, so beautiful that it made me cry, so extra sentimental and mushy...and little have changed ever since, but I find it so cute and romantic I actually wrote someone a love letter, in this modern times it is something outdated, and for me it only makes it more special, I wrote you the letter I wish someone have written to me, and needless to say, even though you probably never read my blogue most of my posts are about you.
One part of the letter said this:
"People naturally drift apart, you can still value the times you did have with your friend, even though they don't continue in your life, but they still be with you, trapped somewhere in your memories, but that's what life is, an endless sucession of people saying goodbye, with some you cry, with some you laugh, with some you learn, with some you love with others hate. But I do feel lucky for having the chance to meet you and I mean this for real. So thank you so much for showing up"

I miss you like hell, no denying that, did not tell you, as I won't tell you directly I am still in love with you, like no time has passed, and although we were disconnected and afraid will carry on after a small chat, I never disconnected telepathically and emotionally from you, in fact, I end up dreaming with you and about you several times, usually in my dream, you always leave, but I guess that's our fate. Also they say, in dreams we are showned wishes and fears by our subconscious, and my biggest wish is having you back and my biggest fear to lose you, but I don't have you, and never really had so what exactly am I afraid of?
Maybe the fear of being forgotten, and, surprisingly or not, you didn't.
I made you a favour and still hold up to my word, will hold on it forever, like I always do, I never break promises and always keep my word even when people fail me (that's what scorpios do), you say you will be back someday for visit, I wish so, but would wish even more if you stayed or take me with you, but not asking you that, or telling you that, just thinking out loud and wishing, dreaming is free.
But there's something about you that turns my world around, it always did, for me disconnecting from so many people from the past was relatively easy and I overcame it all the time without even blinking or looking back, it left some scars, won't lie, but I understood the fact those people were not meant to keep in my life and just place them in a little department of my brain called "past", but not you! I'm still waiting for the day I could snap out of  this and 3 years and something after I'm still trapped in this love spell (or should I say curse?). Never told you because it might sound crazy, desperate, clingy, insane, but I still feel the same as I felt  for you since day one, nothing changed, I just feel even though you ignore me for so long I felt such a deep and powerful connection I could not feel with anyone else ever, and that's what makes you so damn special. Also, you never forget the first person you ever loved (and until now the only one), but if you want to know more secrets, I can tell you, you were never a stranger to me, like I feel I have always known you, I really do, so much so that the first time I saw you something clicked and I literally thought "so there you are", basically you were the person I've always dreamed of throughout my life, everything about you was how imagined, your looks, your voice, your smile, your laughter, your mind, your weirdomness, your mysterious attitude and your hidden sensitiveness like mine, and the Universe moved you to me, I'm sure, but it also moved you away maybe because I myself, even deny to myself an happy ending, like I don't deserve such a thing, or a love to be really felt can't be really lived. But you never really drifted apart, because you were always in my mind, even before we met.
Some metaphysical theories could even say this "deja vu" is a sign we have met in other life, and who knows maybe, and meeting you again is part of our karma, or my karma, maybe I neglected you back then and have to feel your negligence now, whatever it is one thing I am sure of, you taught me what is like to love someone else simply because you exist, but you taught me so well I could never do it to anyone else (at a romantic level, there are diferente kinds of love), and if I could pick someone to love, I would pick you up time and time again, in this life and others to come, you should be mine, 'cause I'm yours.

My best way to deal with this was stopping hating myself for not stop loving you, I understood it is a lost battle, because I loved you way before I've met you in flesh, I've always loved you even way back before I've met you, I've dreamed about you for 25 years before I met you,so I cannot unlove you in the future, but I can live with this in an healthy way now that I realized love is something you give, not something you get.

Hope I'll see you in the future when we're older, and we are full of stories to be told, trust the Universe and whatever is meant to be, it will be.

sexta-feira, 30 de março de 2018


So I saw a report of a journslist,Ben Swan, about the child trafficking in US (he also investigated Pizzagate and was fired and shut up for a year after doing so), I want to thank thank him and his crew for bringing atention to this issue, it is indeed an horrific theme, most people don't want to hear about and deny it is true because it is hard living in a world acknowledging this happens and the criminals who abuse and kill children walk free. The question he raised is so importante, yes, to WHOM are these children being sold? He mentionned some of them are from the elite (doctors, lawyers, politicians, govenment officials), but it goes deeper than this, these elite people belong to power secret cults where they perform these sick acts, and even kill the children as part of rituals and then cremate them just so there is no proof or victim alive to expose them. Also because they are the lawyers, the politicians, the priests and bankers and rich and influent people they rule the system and so investigations like this never go further to trials because they protect each other's back because they rule the courts, the laws and the money (and even self entitled to own the morals and the power to forgive sins, in the case of priests and religious representatives). I don't want to get in the point of satanic cults so I am not dismissived as a conspiracy nuts but I do believe this elite people are part of it. Do you want to know whom the children are being sold to? I have one idea, probably almost all celebrities and royals, and top bankers, lawyers ,doctors and priests. Remember that pedo guy Jimmy Saville, that was friends with the british royals, got honour medals and even met the pope? Everybody knew he was abusing children, and he said he got recognition from the royals because he did good services...now what services could that be? I would get a hint on he trafficked children to the royals and priests YES. (see: Saville and the royals source daily mail The royals pedophillia and murder)
Also Killary Clinton whose Foundation received Money from people to help Haiti and did not give Haiti a penny, Laura Silsby was arrested trying to traffic kids from Haiti....but to who were those kids being trafficked to??? Of course Killary and her friends knew nothing!? (Clinton Crimes what happened in Haiti Sisby-Clinton trafficking cover up)

And don't forget the case of missing kids in Canada after the queen of England and her husband went to visit an orphanage...as that evil woman is the Head of State and she is above the law because she is the law she can never be investigated, or judged or arrested and this kids were never found and nobody knew what really happenned to them except they were last seen with this royal scum Crimes of Queen Elizabeth and Phillip
Also the vídeo of a naked boy escaping from Buckingham Palace should raise awarenness  they say this is fake but looks like pretty real to me! So it's that man, keep up with the good work you did and I believe it is no coincidence they made your page go black after you adress Pizzagate...that was just the tip of the iceberg!
(Buckingham abuses Boy escaping Buckingham Palace).
The examples never stop, learn more about this topic here: The Darkest Secrets Revealed - Ole Dammegard & Carine Hutsebaut).

sábado, 30 de dezembro de 2017

God and Satan

While researching on the internet, I ended up researching Illuminati and Satanism, I think I can now believe this cults do exist.
 So, I am upset with satanic cults that mistreat animals and children, they exist indeed and yes I believe they believe in Satan, but all satanists believe in the opposite also, same way christians believe in God and have to believe in the opposite, Satan. As an atheist/agnostic I am very skeptical to all that, I just don't believe or at least have doubts about the supernatural existence. Being an atheist has nothing to do with satanists, we don't believe in God or Satan like satanists and christians, so we do not reject one and follow other. Anyways  we should not take the other cheek and should fight back the pedophiles and child murderers, we should not wait and do nothing while it happens...I AGREE, 100%....but then again, isn't that what God does? He sees all and knows all, He sees and hears all, and what does He do? Nothing, Nada, Niente, Zero....so in the judgment day He will condemn those who did nothing, like Him?

As for me, God and Satan are metaphors for good and evil, opposite strong forces that complete each other and give meaning to one and other, it is impossible to know good if you don't know evil, you don't know the light without the darkness and so on. I always had doubts and I think I am entitled to have them, if a merciful God wants to throw my soul to Hell because I doubt what I was told on Earth, so be it, I just still don't get why God reencarnated in a child named Jesus whose mother He impregnated in a holly way just like the story of Horus and Mithras (you should dig on that too, what makes you so sure Christianity is not a made up recycled story?), so then, God by the name of Jesus knew already He was going to be betrayed of course and when He was killed He allowed that to happen to Him while experiencing the pain of the mortals that was given to us by his creation (God made angels, demons, pain, joy and all the feelings too no?), so God sacrificed Himself (Human sacrifice/ suicide here....how can this be any salvation?) but then He resurrected Himself (so He didn 't die He was just kidding) before going back to Heaven to His father that is Him?

What about the Holy Spirit...Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit make up the trinity, 3 different entities that are the same, why and how this has no pagan roots? if you worship Jesus what about His creator, Yeshua, the only God, shouldn't it be just one God? And moreover, have you ever considered Jesus could be made up a false idol as well? I mean, He was a mortal with supernatural gifts that resemble wizards and witches too! I just think that is way too weird, and about the Bible, it is not peace and love all the time, I read it ALL even after leaving the catholic church, it is said Jesus will not bring peace but the war, Matthew 10:34 "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." And about child sacrifices, the God of the bible demands that too, Genesis 22, "Then God said, “Take your son to the land of Moriah and kill your son there as a sacrifice for me. This must be Isaac, your only son, the one you love. Use him as a burnt offering on one of the mountains there. I will tell you which mountain", but God was just kidding too because an angel appeared and told Abraham to stop it, oh what a joker God is! And by the way, who actually wrote the Bible?Why didn't Jesus wrote it if He could? So, God is all spirit too but He created a material world, and put our spirits into flesh, some say our spirit and soul always existed, others say it doesn't exist others say it is created when are born or even when we start being conceived after our parents have sex, about laboratory babies I don't know, they were made in labs do they have souls too? So God is perfect, and all that exists and all that will exist, so He was bored and decided to make a simulation program, like we do when play sims and now He basically watches us and records everything to judge us on judgement day....Satan was an angel that disobeyed God, but Satan lives in Hell and tortures the bad guys punishing them....so if Satan's job is to punish the bad guys how can that not make him a good guy? What does God do anyways? I am sorry I do not want to offend you or upset you, and everyone who is a christian that believes in God/Jesus and Satan, I just have this questions and am trying to explain why I just can't follow this. But if I ever catch someone mistreating a child or animal, I will and would fight back with no remorse or mercy, because I believe we all have good and evil inside us, but the part we decide to act on is what defines us.

quinta-feira, 2 de novembro de 2017

Exorcize my demons

I came to the conclusion that most of my problems are caused by other persons no kidding, but the real problem is my reaction to them, the best way to deal with this persons is avoiding them, ignoring them and forgetting them if possible. I do that to everyone from family to suppose friends, acquaitances whoever, people call this revenge just because you don't want to put up with their shit anymore that threats my peace of mind, I call this respecting myself enough to not let poisonous people break me again and again and again, people overestimate themselves in my life, it is wrong because I don't really need them or like them for their psyco reactions of twisted love, I endured all my biggest failures, disappointments and saddest parts of my life alone picking myself up time after time until this demons in shape of people run out chances and I pressed DELETE!!So, Good riddance!

quinta-feira, 19 de outubro de 2017

Goodbye, so long, and farewell

It is sad when you get played by your feelings and emotions and wishes and silly dreams and when someone you wish you could spend a lifetime with walks away forever with no goodbyes, it is also sad someone that means so much to you treats you like nothing,but I guess losing people along the way makes part of life, nothing lasts forever and we all will disappear one day without a trace, it is also frustrating we cannot control our feelings and even thoughts, sometimes I regret I met you, and can't really understand why you were meant to cross my path....secretly I wish you never did, I wish memories could be erased and also ghost feelings that still linger for way too long would vanish, at the same time I wish I could be the one you chosed, but I am not, but hope you're happy even though I will not make part of your happinness.May at least this pain make me stronger and wiser, so I guess all you can learn from this is to never give your best to someone who doesn't care because at your best you will not be good enough to the wrong person, chose who chose you and save your heart for someone who cares. But never forget, the key to your happiness is a gift way too precious to put in someone else's pocket, don't put too many hopes and feelings in people's hands because they will drop it,they will drop it every time. Chase dreams not people. But in the end I know I was the best thing you never had and you were the best thingI never had, the rest is just a sad song with nothing to say, strangers like before we met, strangers after we met, strangers eternally.Hope you will be happy and hope I can unlove you and totally forget you one day, instead of pretending that I did. So goodbye, so long and farewell.

terça-feira, 11 de julho de 2017

the hardest part of being a vegan

I am not 100% vegan, I don't eat meat for 15 years, I avoid products from animal origin but from time to time eat cheese, soy, rice and almond milk mostly but sometimes cow milk (in ice creams, chocolates, wtv), sometimes I do eat eggs (try to buy free range chicken eggs), and occasionaly fish. People try to mock me and discredit me for not being a real vegan, but even if I was they would criticize me anyways (expect the vegan ones). Anyways, the hardest part of being vegetarian or vegan or not eating meat is not missing the meat itself, a flavour I never liked anyways (taste of death really) is to have to deal with people CONSTANTLY asking you why you have that diet, like you own them an explanation, and if you dare to say you don't want to feed on dead animal's corpses because it doesn't feel right and you have compassion for animals, they treat you like a lunatic, mock you, laugh at you in an agressive way and in my case also add "don't you feel sorry about the fishes? and the plants, why don't you just eat stones???". So I decided to never ever explain myself to ANYONE about my diet even because if you don't eat meat they imagine you as a skinny skeleton and say "how come you're fat?" and stupid stuff like that. My DIET is no one's business but I remember when I came out of the closet to my family when I was 12 (to some people this means telling them you're gay in my case was telling them I wanted to be a vegetarian or at least stop eating meat), their reaction I believe was much worse than when a kid tells their parents they are gay because they used physical and verbal violence against me, tried to force feed me meat and ultimately made me starve until I eventually ended up eating meat again, which did not happen. Dealing with people, even family or friends or strangers, telling them you can't eat the food they cooked and their reaction is the worse part, also not finding good restaurants and have to go to family meetings where you have to watch them eating meat and can't help but feeling disgusted, because whether we like it or not, meat is murder. So fuck the people, I prefer animals anyways by far, if I could save a cow from going to slaughter or a random person I know who I would rather save, because people are sick at all levels and can never reach the kindness and the purest spirit of life that are animals, constantly abused and killed for people's entertainment, and nasty awful meals. I am not perfect, and not judging meat eaters, I am just telling that this intolerant people are the worse part of someone who lives by their own moral standars; you suck buddies and aren't worth any bit of the dead animals you shove down your throat, animal's star is wayyyyy above yours. You may say I hate people but when I see an animal suffering I end up feeling compassion and empathy all over again, so the animals always get me back my humanity and that's the only reason I don't hate people, but definitely not like them that much. Isolation and being anti social are bioproducts of living amonsgt idiots, it used to bother me, but not anymore., my life style doesn't have to make sense for anybody else but for me, and I do not need to be accepted by anyone else, except for me.

domingo, 18 de junho de 2017

Tell Lie Vision

TV is not merely information or entertainment, it is full of lies, fake news, staged hoaxes, subliminal messages, hypnotic frequencies and propaganda.

quarta-feira, 31 de maio de 2017

The global fake terror on terrorism continues....

Well...you know, when I knew abou the new of the "Manchester attack" I immediately as usual guessed it was a fake staged hoax, but then, based on research and making questions I concluded it was a staged hoax event....I mean...I wanted to believe the news but they show us shit! Seriously how I am supposed to believe in something if they not even give us enough fake evidencess? All I see is videos filming the floor, a guy after a concert saying all is ok on stage, and people running around with the herd mentality.
They simply could set off a loud explosion at the end of a concert as people are leaving to cause mass panic. People obviously think a bomb has gone off and Herd Mentality takes over with people running and screaming. Of course this is what's shown all over the media, we will never see the actual Bomb Explosion because there was no bomb.
Moreover, the firefighters tried to help but they were stopped from doing so...probably for not ending and exposing  the circus? maybe because after all they could not rescue anyone because no one was dead or injured? http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/firefighters-angry-were-stopped-helping-10492990
I am not an expert in this issues, but I definitely can see something fishy is going on here.
But a truther, named Ole Dammergard who researches this for years might explain you better than me, he concluded that a lot of the supposed terror attacks happenning in Europe and USA were staged with the precious help of crisis actors helping and media liers...and this "company" might be one behind this events http://www.crisis-solutions.com/
take a listen to his interview.

There are tons of truthers on the internet that research of false flags and staged hoaxes, if you prefer a shorter video I think this one is very good:

Don't be afraid to make questions and have doubts!
TV sells us fiction all the time (soap operas, reality shows, movies...)...it is not surprising that they keep making fiction out of reality in the news...TV can't tell you the reality, news sell you an opinion made to program you, they foccus on bad things to keep you in a state of fear and therefore controlled, the news are picked by whom? why are they always bad? who decides which events are worth and coverage and which are not? how can you be sure the news are not made up? why do you trust the news?It is very sad to see lots of people treat me like a mentally ill retarded just to make questions or to doubt the narrative of the main stream media, but I understand they were indocrinated by the system and they are reacting because they can't stand the fact they have been lied to all their lives....it is easier to fool someone than convincing them they have been fooled!
Don't be fooled!

domingo, 21 de maio de 2017

all this waiting is regret

Lately I have been an emotional wreck, I cry and I don't even know why I am crying at all: I cry about all the memories I have, all that I lived, all that I dreamed, all that I felt. And with no surprise, your ghost keeps haunting me everytime. I have been experiencing so many feelings at the same time I don't even know what I am actually feeling, but it is overwhelming...I feel sadness and happiness, meaning in things and total lack of meaning and importance in everything, I feel love and hate at the same time, I laugh and cry at the same time, I am calm and anxious at the same time, I feel hope and hopeless all the same, I feel compassion and evilness at the same time, I feel gratefulness and  ungratefulness at the same time, but mostly, I feel like I am missing so many people that no longer make part of my life, and at the same time remembering them, makes me feel they still around, like I can time travel, daydreaming, living it all over and over again...I feel like I love and hate everyone at the same time. This is a new feelng that I don't even know what the fuck this feeling is, all I know is this is all too much for me to deal with, and it all is transformed in tears, that never stop, day by day,,,I am surprised how and why this keeps going, and going, and going, and going. Will it ever stop for good?
I am concerned for my own mental and emotional sanity, because when people ask me why I am crying or why do I look sad, I not even know why, so I laugh and laugh and smile and smile without meaning just for to be left alone, just to mask my own self, because people can't deal with you when you hit the low.
Only music seems to understand what I am going through, and  all songs remind me of you, and simply thinking of you, makes me cry even more. Seems like this heavy heart won't go away, but probably I am  only crying because I pitty myself...I make myself cry literally because I feel sorry for myself.
Waiting for persons from the past appear back in the future is nearly impossible and will only bring regret and wasted years,,,years pass by, and everyone leaves...and when they leave, it feels like death.But I keep reminding them, mourning them and crying over them.

Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
You can't live like this

You have lost
(Too much love)
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It's not enough)
You just threw away the key
To your heart

You don't get burned
('Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see…

Love ain't fair
So there you are
My love

Love ain't safe
You won't get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don't wanna waste my love

quinta-feira, 18 de maio de 2017

You sleep...they live

Holy Moly, I found one of the best videos regarding Illuminati scum I have ever seen, a must watch! Didn't you ever wonder about how is the private (real secret private life) of our elite? So meet your Kings, Queens, Princesses, Princes, your celebrities, your politicians, your bankers....all that scum you were programmed to worship, adore or respect, or even to see as an example and envy and pursue their perfect lifestyle!!! They are not real people but rather a bunch of psycopaths, they are so inhumane some researchers think they are reptilian alliens or demons....either ways, this people have kind of a thing for Satan, express themselves in plain sight their allegiance for satanism, by the symbols they use, the wealthy pedophiles are protected by our justice system (for example, Queen of England's pedophile son was not brought to justice, and many more), ever wonder why is that? why are there so many lost kids nobody ever finds? Speaking particularly of the royal families and the Rockfellers, Rothchilds and Soros...why and how do this bastards get blood transfusions every month and by whom? why and how do they have so many organ transplants and who "donates" them that? why do they all have that psycho scary look in their eyes? why they don't just get a fucking job? And the elite in general...how can our politicians lie to us to get us into wars and not be judged for war crimes? why do our media approves and blind us into their lies? Everybody knows, the elite, during ancient times used to do animal and human sacrifices, they fed themselves from young blood to rejuvenate themselves and even practicized canibalism, they performed ritualistic abuse and murder of young virgins (aka kids)...but all the sudden this royality scum stopped doing that right? Wrong, they keep doing it in secret! I rememeber watching the movie Hostel....one of the sickiest movies ever...or even the Purge, and now I can tell, that was tuth in plain sight, they always showed to us who they are. We are their cattle: we work in their companies, we pay them our taxes, we pay them their infinite absurd debts from craddle to the grave, we feed ourselves with their poisonous food they sells us, we listen and believe in their media propaganda they show us, we fight their wars, we die for them....in return we have bits of their money: their imaginary filthy money they throw at us for us to be able to keep going with our slave lifes (isn't being an adult to pay our own fucking bills?? get a clue!)...still they have all the money in the world, they own all the banks, they own all the land...and if money is the only thing you believe that has value and the only thing you chase in your life, congratulations, you are the perfect slave, 100% controlable.

 Moreover, the basis of the Illuminati cults is to turn everything upside down: so beautiful is ugly, pleasure is pain, good is bad...and even gender inversion, which they perform to their own kids since they are born to create their image of themselves, instead of having the image they were "created" for, a form of mockery to God we could say, and a way to honour the androgynous "Baphomet" God they worship. They are not like us, are they even human? all I know is you sleep...and they live!

sábado, 6 de maio de 2017


I found one of the most disturbing things ever on the internet while scrolling on truthers sites exposIng the Satanic Illuminati Elite Mafia...so apparently, there is an exclusive cannibal restaurant called "Cannibal Club" hidden somewhere because they keep their adress a secret (but do expose their staff members), but it is in California of course, one of the most satanic, degrading shitholes on the planet, where real human meat is served "from young, healthy bodies", and they say they get the meat by ethic ways! " We take considerable care to ensure that all our meat is produced legally and ethically, and derived only from young, healthy bodies."Furthermore they add that canibalism can be a way your family and friends mourn you and homage you after you die like a client of them did!"This is a way to supplement life insurance and offset funerary expenses. For others, such as Cannibal Club member Gwendoline Fenwich, who was served to her friends and relatives at the Club in January of 2008, being prepared as a meal, and thereby reborn into the bodies of the living, is an attractive alternative to the more the traditional practices of burial and cremation."....and of course amongst their clients who dine bodies there are members of the elite "Our exclusive clientele includes noted filmmakers, intellectuals, and celebrities "....seriously I am still having a bad time to believe the conspiracies that say they are putting fetuses ingredients from abortions in our food products and beauty products and even sodas...but when you dig on this so called elite and research who they really are and what they are doing....it doesn not surprise me anymore. This, if true is beyond sick!!!! 
Check by yourself the website: 
Interesting site here: http://12160.info/profiles/blogs/cannibalism-21st-century-fine-dining

segunda-feira, 17 de abril de 2017

in love,in fear, in hate, in tears

Sometimes people (family specially) argue with me, and I always try to seem strong, I argue back, sometimes I scream, I respond equally bad or even worse, I hear things that hurt me, I say things that will hurt that people...and in the end I get so overwhelmed that all my rage and anger suddenly turns into tears and I have to be ridicularized  for expressing feelings, making my strong mask fall....and it is really sad I have to keep using this mask with my family, continuously hurtig me, and they are so dumb to understand why I never show good feelings for them? like they show me any or start any converstation that is not meant to end up in an argument...so for not showing I love them, because I feel terrible hurt, they say I have no feelings.
It's sad, but at least I can come to my room, cry my heart out and let my tears dry on their own and remember why loneliness is better than being in the wrong company, even if that company is family.
After a while, when partially my anger is transformed into tears, I feel the pain diluted and I feel
much better.
Sad to acknowledge I only have myself, to find confort in myself, in a world that constantly hates me and tries to make me hate myself. But it's ok, because, I have me, I'll always have me, and if you are in a good company with yourself, yo can never feel alone.
I sing myself to sleep
A song from the darkest hour
Secrets I can't keep
In sight of the day
Swing from high to deep
Extremes of sweet and sour

My life is out of control
I believe this wave will bear my weight
So let it flow

Still waiting for you to die

I feel so pathetic...I keep torturing my mind thinking of you, where are you, what are you doing, and still, I deleted all the ways you could contact me, and I did so because you wouldn't, so I just deleted so I don't feel even worse about myself, waiting for that message that never came, and never would come.
I know, we are not meant to be, I know you'll never come back, I know you could care less about me, I know you never think of me, but still affter 2 years and half here I am getting tortured time and time again with thoughts of you...you are the first and last thought of the day, sometimes I even dream about you, and that you came back and made the impossible possible. It's exhausting, sad, tormentful, makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself, sometimes (lots of times), when I start thinking of you, and how I miss you I cry without even knowing if I am feeling sadness or it is just my rage and frustration being transformed into tears...I never said your name again to anyone, I'll never say your name again, to anyone, I will just carry on my life, pretending you never existed, while carrying you in my mind and in my heart like an heavy burden everywhere I go, wishing everyone I meet would be you or maybe wishing to get rid of this dark love spell, or curse, they say time heals everything, but it still hurts, it hurts everytime I think of you...if only it was possible to forget, I would be finally in peace...I don't know, sometimes I think if I had a car accident or some kind of accident that would simply wipe off my memories, I would like that...or like in that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", if I could just ask someone to erase you from my brain, I would do it.

But none of that is possible, and here I am, hiding my sadness from everyone, saying I got over you so I wouldn't look an obcessed crazy person with no self esteem, so I don't look weak....pretending I moved on, waiting that day after day the pain gets diluted until it disappears completely, waiting for the day this curse is broken, living as if we've never met, living as if nothing have ever happenned, living like I had no feeling for you.
So I am still waiting for you to die, not in your physical existence, but in my mind and in my heart, and I am so sick that you keep haunting me and the worst part is that I cannot even blame you.
One day, I hope I can mourn you, and never be bothered by your memories again...I never knew how can such happy things happen in your life only to tormet and destroy you later...happy memories can be really painful, so I am trying to murder my feelings for you, because I know if we don't kill love, love will kill us.

But right now, I'm still stuck somewhere between what if, what might, what could have and what never will and all I want to know is what actually is. Maybe I still love you because I never thought I could feel something so strong and real in my life, and in a world where everything is fake I can proudly say, my feelings were real, and my pain was real, this pain was the most real thing I could ever feel, altough I know it was just from my part.
I want you to be happy, but knowing I won't be part of that happiness makes me feel incredibly sad, also knowing if I ever end up with someone else and that won't be you, but I know I would secretly wish that person was you, makes me feel incredible sad. I used to want so many things in life, but after you crashing in my life, I would trade everything for you...or at least for the day I will be able to break the spell and stop crying over dead memories and imagining all the ifs, and all the lives we could end up living together. I do miss myself, when I didn't meet you yet, you still being my biggest blessing and my biggest curse.
Maybe one day, you'll go away.
"You locked up your heart
You wake up with tears and stars in your eyes
You gave it all to someone that
Cannot love you back

Your days are packed
With wishes and hopes for the love that you've got
You waste it all to someone that
Cannot love you back

You secretly made
Castles of sand that you hide in the shade
But you cannot hold the tides that break them
And you build them all over again

You talk all these words
You make conversations that cannot be heard
How long until you notice that
No one is answering back

Love, ain't this enough
You push yourself down
You try to take comfort in words
But words
They cannot love
Don't waste them like that
Cus they'll bruise you more"

"You're asking again I told you before
The beautiful smile hides the troubled soul
Sad faces influence so easily
I already have enough of that inside of me 
So funny you're still around after all these years
Ran away so many times, always ended up here
Could not ask for a thing from you
All you gave me I afforded to loose 
You see... 
It's all too sad for me...
It's too hard for me... to believe 
It's too painful for me
It's so hard for me... to give 
I make lies all day to keep the pain away
God knows my sins are already too big to pay 
Even the tears I forget the taste
Maybe I should try to lick them off your face
And though I do try the best that I can
You had to be me to understand
It's all too sad for me...
It's too hard for me... to believe
It's too painful for me
It's so hard for me... to give 
Smile On
Hang On"