I bled into my relationships with family and friends and even those I almost got romantically involved with...whenever I got too close with anyone I would cut them off...part of that was vindictive and partially based on fear but it also was totally subconcious.
"The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty never perish. SOLDIERS! Don't give yourselves to brutes - men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel! Who drill you - diet you - treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men!"
Regrettably Chaplin's words are as relevant today as they were in 1940.
Some years ago I saw some internet post and decided to write it down and keep it, today I found it in my notes, unfortunatelly don't know who the author is:
"I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you;
You are my first thought every single day.
That I fell in love with you the first time I looked into your eyes.
Everyday hurts because I can't stop thinking about you.
All I want is you. All I can think, see, hear, and feel is you, but you are never here."
Being rejected by someone you love and gave you a sparkle of their atention and care emotionally destroyed me, I couldn't find another person even if I wanted because I have nothing else to give when I wasted all on the wrong one....that for me was the right...I am only left with what ifs, why, tears and a head full of ghosts. Love is not a bless for everyone, for some it is a curse. And I guess I rembered another great song that describes that:
I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.
High off love, drink from my hate,It's like I'm huffing pain and the more I love the more I suffer, but I guess that's alright because I like the way it hurts. (Edited from "Love the way you lie", Eminem)
All the media everyday, all day, just talks about one thing, as if in the world there were not people dying of anything else: Coronavirus!
All events have been canceled, and the Governemnt recomends and/or imposes people to stay locked at home while this supposed pandemic passes.
Media lies all the time about everything, wouldn't be surprised this time they also did, regarding the
danger (or even the veracity) of the disease and even numbers of deaths.
What I see is the mainstream media, as usual, simply supplying the daily masses with fear and Government propaganda, what really makes me wonder the true agenda behind all these.
What if the master plan of the New World Order is to make a scared and helpless public believe in this so called pandemic just to implement their malefic with public approval.
Such as:
1-Martial Law
2-Removal of physical cash
3-Mandatory Vaccinations
4-Removal of freedom of movement
5- Criminalise public assembly/protests
6-Trigger recession, divert blame from bankers who actually caused it, and redistribute the weath amongst themselves.
7- Increased Centralised Control
8-Increased public surveillance
9-Complete acceptance of the above measures by a scared, misinformed population.
In short, the implementation of fascism like in the dystopian orwellian futuristic society such as the one revealed in the book 1984 by George Orwell?
Lastly, I strongly, recomend you to watch these videos, where you can see the other perspectives, regarding this subject, before it is censored on the internet, because apparently now we have a Big Brother censorship system that decides what is real or fake and what can be discussed or not.
I am still here, just been busy living my life and making friends and trying to keep them...so it made me feel less of a need to let off the steam in my blogue.
I am not always sad, but sadness and loneliness are main main drivers for my writing, it is when I get inspiration, but mostly the NEED to talk to someone who will listen and don't judge me or interrupt me...and so I write for my audience, that is whoever comes to my blogue to read my thoughts.
I am losing sleep and crying over the fact why I keep falling for people who don't love me back and chasing them while being ignored...it is hard to move on past a person I really really think I loved, and then, when I finally think I found someone to distract me from him, splitting my obsession focus, almost believing I moved on, that person treats me the same and leaves me in the same state of mental confusion, humiliation, shame and agonizing emotions of once again not being enough, this leads me to have even less self esteem and being even more closed and suspicious of other people trying to reach me. As I think that karma works, I somehow might had gave bad karma to all the people I loved and didn't love me back (but some even faked for a bit they cared, just so it could be even more cruel), so the Universe keeps me sending more and more people who seem interested in me for who I am, some claimed they liked me or tried to tell me or know me better, but I pushed them away, I didn't believe them, didn't gave them any chances (at least I never confused anyone or gave false hopes) and most of them, not even let them get closed to me, which in return keeps giving me bad karma. It's like in a twisted way you just need the assurance to know somebody sees any worth in you, feeding your ego in a way, but also having the pleasure of rejecting them, which in my case tastes like sort of revenge. Like, so I can't have who I want? Why should I give those persons what they want and force myself into liking them?If I couldn't have who I wanted, you can't even dream of having me!
I don't care of how many persons or how good they are to me...in my mind I will always feel hurt by the rejection of the small amount of persons I claimed to have loved at an obsession level non reciprocated. And when I finally move from obsession to other I always end up in the same dead end situation, it is like I am really looking for the same rejection scenario, and it is no coincidence that the person who almost made me forget the obsession I had for 5 years has the same sun sign (cancer if you really want to know....for a reason this sign is named after a disease). At first they seem to care, talk and make time to me, make me believe there are some kind of special bond just to slowly ghosting me and make me do all the chase while giving me no appreciation or attention, being totally oblivious, dettached and indifferent to the pain it gives to me.
So I read some things trying to understand the underlying psychology of this phenomenon, and concluded it can be a mixture of a lot things.
Here are the main reasons I think I developed this pattern, mostly based on the article of Psycology Today: "Why we obsess over people who don't want us?"
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201610/why-we-obsess-over-people-who-dont-want-us
Firstly, this feeling has a name, it is called "Unrequited
love" and it happens when someone have strong romantic feelings for someone that
does not return those feelings. It’s a one-sided experience that leaves you suffering with pain, grief and shame and it has plagued lovers
through the ages.
Love unreturned is rooted in lot of places, including our past experiences and childhood traumas, but it (almost) always stems from a warped sense of self and low
self-esteem. Chances are, if I keep looking for love in people that
don’t love me back, I'm self-sabotaging myself because I think I am unworthy of love, and the fact I keep people away who seem to like me is also part of it, since I think at a subconscious level that I don't deserve love.We choose these people because they represent the parts of us that we don’t love. So basically I don't love myself, though I try to act as if I do.
More generic reasons (I think as I said, in my case is a mixture of all):
* The real reason people chase after people they can’t have is because there is a part of them that believes that they’re not worthy of a fulfilling love life. The only way they can prove their worth is by winning the affections of their prize.
It’s a matter of the chase, an exercise in pride, and a vain spell of infatuation — none these things are love.
*The biological reason romantic rejection gets us hooked is that this sort of rejection stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction and cravings. We're addicted to thoughts of what could have been but never will be.
Once we get stuck on those thoughts, being rejected by the other person
can intensify them, leaving us to deal with obsession, which is a kind
of addiction
* Another aspect of this anguish may have to do with the perceived value of the other person. If the other person doesn't want us or is not
available for a relationship, their perceived value goes up. They become
so "expensive" that we cannot "afford" them.
*As for childhood traumas, in a classic scenario, they grew up in a household with a mother or
father who emotionally rejected them (in my case was more like the repressed emotions, because my parents (I know now!) cared about me, but never had the right words to say and the right attitudes to have, making me feel like they hated me and I ruined their lives by existing, leaving me with the feeling I have no one to count with and managing my emotions all alone and then repressing them, which basically made me run away from love all my life and never getting too close to people or show affection. Since as a family we never really expressed love and talked about feelings, and that I always had the feeling everybody would judge me, and my parents specially (reading my diary to guests one day, did not helped!)).
For these individuals, being
romantically rejected is a familiar feeling. Since we are always more
likely to act in ways that are familiar to us, if we have a history of
rejection, we are likely to seek situations where we should expect more
rejection. Our brains interpret these scenarios as normal, even though
we know that it is not normal to seek out scenarios that lead to pain and anguish.
* Finally, there is the "different ending" explanation: If we have a
history of being rejected—by a parent, for example—we sometimes
subconsciously seek out similar scenarios, hoping that the story will
have a different ending next time.But it doesn't!
I know you don't, but the truth is that in my shrunk spirit I still love
you in silence after all this time. Not who you are now, I don't know that
person, not even the person you were back then, but the person I
thought you were or could have been. And even my subconsciois brings you
to haunt my dreams from time to time. Every now and then I cry
listening to the same songs I used to cry over when I thought of you.
And I keep looking for you in everyone else...and sometimes I find
it, they all give me the same old strange but also familiar and
agonizing feeling of unrequited love time and time and time again so I
can keep self-sabotaging myself into believing I am not worth it.
Sometimes they even made me think for a bit that I moved on...but they
were just deceiving ways to find my sad way back to you. But deep down I
love all that pain, grief and drama, it's like an old friend you just can't
get rid off...it's a reminder of when you were around.
"You are as deep as I am in the Universe, for the constellations in your eyes have no boundaries, your soul, which moves your hands and squints your eyes, was made up of fallen stars and burnt out suns, and your mind, which like no other will, is forever connected to mine through silent words, and screaming galaxies."
(slightly adapted by a poem made by Rubi Sandoval, I read while roaming on the internet)
"Love is always bestowed as a gift- freely, willingly and without expectation . We don't love to be loved, we love to love" Leo Buscaglia
Well, who would have said that we actually would start talking again? Not like it used to be of course, but you actually were the one breaking a full one year of silence, breaking the ice, and so I followed you and melted almost all the ice left, because it still is a giant ice wall between us and a great distance as well, not just the geographical distance, besides the 2 years and almost 4 months we do not see each other. But you inspire me to write, and I think I should also start writing when I am happy or at least content, so here it is.
Today I read the giant love letter I sent to you years ago and made a copy of because not trying to sound narcisistic, it was one of the most intimate, beautiful, sincere things I've written, and it came straight from my heart, so beautiful that it made me cry, so extra sentimental and mushy...and little have changed ever since, but I find it so cute and romantic I actually wrote someone a love letter, in this modern times it is something outdated, and for me it only makes it more special, I wrote you the letter I wish someone have written to me, and needless to say, even though you probably never read my blogue most of my posts are about you.
One part of the letter said this:
"People naturally drift apart, you can still value the times you did have with your friend, even though they don't continue in your life, but they still be with you, trapped somewhere in your memories, but that's what life is, an endless sucession of people saying goodbye, with some you cry, with some you laugh, with some you learn, with some you love with others hate. But I do feel lucky for having the chance to meet you and I mean this for real. So thank you so much for showing up"
I miss you like hell, no denying that, did not tell you, as I won't tell you directly I am still in love with you, like no time has passed, and although we were disconnected and afraid will carry on after a small chat, I never disconnected telepathically and emotionally from you, in fact, I end up dreaming with you and about you several times, usually in my dream, you always leave, but I guess that's our fate. Also they say, in dreams we are showned wishes and fears by our subconscious, and my biggest wish is having you back and my biggest fear to lose you, but I don't have you, and never really had so what exactly am I afraid of?
Maybe the fear of being forgotten, and, surprisingly or not, you didn't.
I made you a favour and still hold up to my word, will hold on it forever, like I always do, I never break promises and always keep my word even when people fail me (that's what scorpios do), you say you will be back someday for visit, I wish so, but would wish even more if you stayed or take me with you, but not asking you that, or telling you that, just thinking out loud and wishing, dreaming is free.
But there's something about you that turns my world around, it always did, for me disconnecting from so many people from the past was relatively easy and I overcame it all the time without even blinking or looking back, it left some scars, won't lie, but I understood the fact those people were not meant to keep in my life and just place them in a little department of my brain called "past", but not you! I'm still waiting for the day I could snap out of this and 3 years and something after I'm still trapped in this love spell (or should I say curse?). Never told you because it might sound crazy, desperate, clingy, insane, but I still feel the same as I felt for you since day one, nothing changed, I just feel even though you ignore me for so long I felt such a deep and powerful connection I could not feel with anyone else ever, and that's what makes you so damn special. Also, you never forget the first person you ever loved (and until now the only one), but if you want to know more secrets, I can tell you, you were never a stranger to me, like I feel I have always known you, I really do, so much so that the first time I saw you something clicked and I literally thought "so there you are", basically you were the person I've always dreamed of throughout my life, everything about you was how imagined, your looks, your voice, your smile, your laughter, your mind, your weirdomness, your mysterious attitude and your hidden sensitiveness like mine, and the Universe moved you to me, I'm sure, but it also moved you away maybe because I myself, even deny to myself an happy ending, like I don't deserve such a thing, or a love to be really felt can't be really lived. But you never really drifted apart, because you were always in my mind, even before we met.
Some metaphysical theories could even say this "deja vu" is a sign we have met in other life, and who knows maybe, and meeting you again is part of our karma, or my karma, maybe I neglected you back then and have to feel your negligence now, whatever it is one thing I am sure of, you taught me what is like to love someone else simply because you exist, but you taught me so well I could never do it to anyone else (at a romantic level, there are diferente kinds of love), and if I could pick someone to love, I would pick you up time and time again, in this life and others to come, you should be mine, 'cause I'm yours.
My best way to deal with this was stopping hating myself for not stop loving you, I understood it is a lost battle, because I loved you way before I've met you in flesh, I've always loved you even way back before I've met you, I've dreamed about you for 25 years before I met you,so I cannot unlove you in the future, but I can live with this in an healthy way now that I realized love is something you give, not something you get.
Hope I'll see you in the future when we're older, and we are full of stories to be told, trust the Universe and whatever is meant to be, it will be.
So I saw a report of a journslist,Ben Swan, about the child trafficking in US (he also investigated Pizzagate and was fired and shut up for a year after doing so), I want to thank thank him and his crew for bringing atention to this issue, it is indeed an horrific theme, most people don't want to hear about and deny it is true because it is hard living in a world acknowledging this happens and the criminals who abuse and kill children walk free. The question he raised is so importante, yes, to WHOM are these children being sold? He mentionned some of them are from the elite (doctors, lawyers, politicians, govenment officials), but it goes deeper than this, these elite people belong to power secret cults where they perform these sick acts, and even kill the children as part of rituals and then cremate them just so there is no proof or victim alive to expose them. Also because they are the lawyers, the politicians, the priests and bankers and rich and influent people they rule the system and so investigations like this never go further to trials because they protect each other's back because they rule the courts, the laws and the money (and even self entitled to own the morals and the power to forgive sins, in the case of priests and religious representatives). I don't want to get in the point of satanic cults so I am not dismissived as a conspiracy nuts but I do believe this elite people are part of it. Do you want to know whom the children are being sold to? I have one idea, probably almost all celebrities and royals, and top bankers, lawyers ,doctors and priests. Remember that pedo guy Jimmy Saville, that was friends with the british royals, got honour medals and even met the pope? Everybody knew he was abusing children, and he said he got recognition from the royals because he did good services...now what services could that be? I would get a hint on he trafficked children to the royals and priests YES. (see: Saville and the royalssource daily mailThe royals pedophillia and murder) Also Killary Clinton whose Foundation received Money from people to help Haiti and did not give Haiti a penny, Laura Silsby was arrested trying to traffic kids from Haiti....but to who were those kids being trafficked to??? Of course Killary and her friends knew nothing!? (Clinton Crimes what happened in HaitiSisby-Clinton trafficking cover up) And don't forget the case of missing kids in Canada after the queen of England and her husband went to visit an orphanage...as that evil woman is the Head of State and she is above the law because she is the law she can never be investigated, or judged or arrested and this kids were never found and nobody knew what really happenned to them except they were last seen with this royal scum Crimes of Queen Elizabeth and Phillip)
Also the vídeo of a naked boy escaping from Buckingham Palace should raise awarenness they say this is fake but looks like pretty real to me! So it's that man, keep up with the good work you did and I believe it is no coincidence they made your page go black after you adress Pizzagate...that was just the tip of the iceberg! (Buckingham abusesBoy escaping Buckingham Palace). The examples never stop, learn more about this topic here: The Darkest Secrets Revealed - Ole Dammegard & Carine Hutsebaut).
While researching on the internet, I ended up researching Illuminati and Satanism, I think I can now believe this cults do exist.
So, I am upset with satanic
cults that mistreat animals and children, they exist indeed and yes I
believe they believe in Satan, but all satanists believe in the opposite
also, same way christians believe in God and have to believe in the
opposite, Satan. As an atheist/agnostic I am very skeptical to all that,
I just don't believe or at least have doubts about the supernatural
existence. Being an atheist has nothing to do with satanists, we don't
believe in God or Satan like satanists and christians, so we do not
reject one and follow other. Anyways
we should not take the other cheek and should fight back the pedophiles
and child murderers, we should not wait and do nothing while it
happens...I AGREE, 100%....but then again, isn't that what God does? He
sees all and knows all, He sees and hears all, and what does He do?
Nothing, Nada, Niente, Zero....so in the judgment day He will condemn
those who did nothing, like Him?
As for me, God and Satan are metaphors
for good and evil, opposite strong forces that complete each other and
give meaning to one and other, it is impossible to know good if you
don't know evil, you don't know the light without the darkness and so
on. I always had doubts and I think I am entitled to have them, if a
merciful God wants to throw my soul to Hell because I doubt what I was
told on Earth, so be it, I just still don't get why God reencarnated in a
child named Jesus whose mother He impregnated in a holly way just like
the story of Horus and Mithras (you should dig on that too, what makes
you so sure Christianity is not a made up recycled story?), so then, God
by the name of Jesus knew already He was going to be betrayed of course
and when He was killed He allowed that to happen to Him while
experiencing the pain of the mortals that was given to us by his
creation (God made angels, demons, pain, joy and all the feelings too
no?), so God sacrificed Himself (Human sacrifice/ suicide here....how
can this be any salvation?) but then He resurrected Himself (so He didn
't die He was just kidding) before going back to Heaven to His father
that is Him?
What about the Holy Spirit...Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit
make up the trinity, 3 different entities that are the same, why and
how this has no pagan roots? if you worship Jesus what about His
creator, Yeshua, the only God, shouldn't it be just one God? And
moreover, have you ever considered Jesus could be made up a false idol
as well? I mean, He was a mortal with supernatural gifts that resemble
wizards and witches too! I just think that is way too weird, and about
the Bible, it is not peace and love all the time, I read it ALL even
after leaving the catholic church, it is said Jesus will not bring peace
but the war, Matthew 10:34"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not
come to bring peace, but a sword." And about child sacrifices, the God
of the bible demands that too, Genesis 22, "Then God said, “Take your
son to the land of Moriah and kill your son there as a sacrifice for me.
This must be Isaac, your only son, the one you love. Use him as a burnt
offering on one of the mountains there. I will tell you which
mountain", but God was just kidding too because an angel appeared and
told Abraham to stop it, oh what a joker God is! And by the way, who actually
wrote the Bible?Why didn't Jesus wrote it if He could? So, God is all
spirit too but He created a material world, and put our spirits into
flesh, some say our spirit and soul always existed, others say it
doesn't exist others say it is created when are born or even when we
start being conceived after our parents have sex, about laboratory
babies I don't know, they were made in labs do they have souls too? So
God is perfect, and all that exists and all that will exist, so He was
bored and decided to make a simulation program, like we do when play
sims and now He basically watches us and records everything to judge us
on judgement day....Satan was an angel that disobeyed God, but Satan
lives in Hell and tortures the bad guys punishing them....so if Satan's
job is to punish the bad guys how can that not make him a good guy? What
does God do anyways? I am sorry I do not want to offend you or upset
you, and everyone who is a christian that believes in God/Jesus and
Satan, I just have this questions and am trying to explain why I just
can't follow this. But if I ever catch someone mistreating a child or
animal, I will and would fight back with no remorse or mercy, because I
believe we all have good and evil inside us, but the part we decide to
act on is what defines us.
I came to the conclusion that most of my problems are caused by other persons no kidding, but the real problem is my reaction to them, the best way to deal with this persons is avoiding them, ignoring them and forgetting them if possible. I do that to everyone from family to suppose friends, acquaitances whoever, people call this revenge just because you don't want to put up with their shit anymore that threats my peace of mind, I call this respecting myself enough to not let poisonous people break me again and again and again, people overestimate themselves in my life, it is wrong because I don't really need them or like them for their psyco reactions of twisted love, I endured all my biggest failures, disappointments and saddest parts of my life alone picking myself up time after time until this demons in shape of people run out chances and I pressed DELETE!!So, Good riddance!
It is sad when you get played by your feelings and emotions and wishes and silly dreams and when someone you wish you could spend a lifetime with walks away forever with no goodbyes, it is also sad someone that means so much to you treats you like nothing,but I guess losing people along the way makes part of life, nothing lasts forever and we all will disappear one day without a trace, it is also frustrating we cannot control our feelings and even thoughts, sometimes I regret I met you, and can't really understand why you were meant to cross my path....secretly I wish you never did, I wish memories could be erased and also ghost feelings that still linger for way too long would vanish, at the same time I wish I could be the one you chosed, but I am not, but hope you're happy even though I will not make part of your happinness.May at least this pain make me stronger and wiser, so I guess all you can learn from this is to never give your best to someone who doesn't care because at your best you will not be good enough to the wrong person, chose who chose you and save your heart for someone who cares. But never forget, the key to your happiness is a gift way too precious to put in someone else's pocket, don't put too many hopes and feelings in people's hands because they will drop it,they will drop it every time. Chase dreams not people. But in the end I know I was the best thing you never had and you were the best thingI never had, the rest is just a sad song with nothing to say, strangers like before we met, strangers after we met, strangers eternally.Hope you will be happy and hope I can unlove you and totally forget you one day, instead of pretending that I did. So goodbye, so long and farewell.
I am not 100% vegan, I don't eat meat for 15 years, I avoid products from animal origin but from time to time eat cheese, soy, rice and almond milk mostly but sometimes cow milk (in ice creams, chocolates, wtv), sometimes I do eat eggs (try to buy free range chicken eggs), and occasionaly fish. People try to mock me and discredit me for not being a real vegan, but even if I was they would criticize me anyways (expect the vegan ones). Anyways, the hardest part of being vegetarian or vegan or not eating meat is not missing the meat itself, a flavour I never liked anyways (taste of death really) is to have to deal with people CONSTANTLY asking you why you have that diet, like you own them an explanation, and if you dare to say you don't want to feed on dead animal's corpses because it doesn't feel right and you have compassion for animals, they treat you like a lunatic, mock you, laugh at you in an agressive way and in my case also add "don't you feel sorry about the fishes? and the plants, why don't you just eat stones???". So I decided to never ever explain myself to ANYONE about my diet even because if you don't eat meat they imagine you as a skinny skeleton and say "how come you're fat?" and stupid stuff like that. My DIET is no one's business but I remember when I came out of the closet to my family when I was 12 (to some people this means telling them you're gay in my case was telling them I wanted to be a vegetarian or at least stop eating meat), their reaction I believe was much worse than when a kid tells their parents they are gay because they used physical and verbal violence against me, tried to force feed me meat and ultimately made me starve until I eventually ended up eating meat again, which did not happen. Dealing with people, even family or friends or strangers, telling them you can't eat the food they cooked and their reaction is the worse part, also not finding good restaurants and have to go to family meetings where you have to watch them eating meat and can't help but feeling disgusted, because whether we like it or not, meat is murder. So fuck the people, I prefer animals anyways by far, if I could save a cow from going to slaughter or a random person I know who I would rather save, because people are sick at all levels and can never reach the kindness and the purest spirit of life that are animals, constantly abused and killed for people's entertainment, and nasty awful meals. I am not perfect, and not judging meat eaters, I am just telling that this intolerant people are the worse part of someone who lives by their own moral standars; you suck buddies and aren't worth any bit of the dead animals you shove down your throat, animal's star is wayyyyy above yours. You may say I hate people but when I see an animal suffering I end up feeling compassion and empathy all over again, so the animals always get me back my humanity and that's the only reason I don't hate people, but definitely not like them that much. Isolation and being anti social are bioproducts of living amonsgt idiots, it used to bother me, but not anymore., my life style doesn't have to make sense for anybody else but for me, and I do not need to be accepted by anyone else, except for me.
